Sleepover!

Last night I had all my sisters over for a good old fashioned sleepover. Meredith, Audrey and Sarah. Let me explain my family real quick. My parents are divorced and have both been re-married for over 10 years. (12 maybe?) They both have had children with their new spouses so I have siblings that are as much as 16 years younger than me. So last night My dad's little girl, Sarah, 9, and my mom's girl, Audrey, 8, came over to spend the night with Meredith and I. It was really fun to see Audrey and Sarah play together. We all had dinner at my mom's house first and on our way back to my apartment I suddenly had this kind of panicked feeling about having all my sisters in the car together. I let my mind go to that "what if" place, you know? when you think about things you shouldn't. "if anything happened to us right now, our brothers would lose their sisters and our parents would lose all their daughters!" Why on earth was I thinking about this? I don't know. I stopped but I kept it at 10 and 2 with my eyes glued to the road. I think the fact that my mind went there was just an extention of feeling so happy at that moment that I wanted to grab everything and hold it in place. I didn't want time or anything else to take it away. Feelings are a funny thing. Sorta like Jeopardy. The feeling comes like an answer for which you don't know the question. Like the maternal pang of x emotion that came over me in the car with those girls that left me wondering what it was that hit me. Was it seeing Audrey with a "sister" her age? Let me explain Audrey for a second. She is THE sweetest person you will ever meet. Loves everyone and is not too cool to show it. She is a tall lanky girl with glasses and a bit of a bunny rabbit situation. I swear she's gonna grow into all these features and be a 6 foot tall supermodel. But for now, she's a little awkward. She loves to read and write and narrate situations as they happen. She'll come up with a story between the dish rag and the plate as mom is doing the dishes. She has the artist's curse. She has trouble with friends sometimes. This mean girl Katie from back home has told her she is ugly and weird and things like that. Oh and she is also home-schooled. Sarah, on the other hand, is also very sweet, but has the added zing of public schooling. I think she understands social skills a little better but it may have taken a little innocence. She just displays more typical 9 year old behavior. She's an artist as well, loving music and dance and showing very promising writing skills. (I'm serious, she's gonna be good) Here's an anecdote from yesterday evening that may give more insight into their personalities. We're sitting at the table and Audrey asks Sarah, "Do you think I'm weird?" and Sarah says plainly, "no." Then she adds, "If you keep saying you're weird then you'll believe it." And that was that. They were so cute together the rest of the night. I didn't realize they would get along so well. They called each other their "double s" (sister's sister) and said they were gonna live together when they grew up. So, what's the answer to the jeopardy puzzle, "A feeling that came over you in the car with all of your sisters together." hmm... What is.. LOVE?

Back at my apartment, we answered "all of them" to "popcorn, cookies or ice cream?" and snuggled in for Horton Hears a Who. It was a really special night that I know we will all remember forever.

You Wanna Piece of Me??

Ow, ow, ow.
There is a pain coming from my lower back that feels like a chunk of my skin was cut out. oh wait.. it was. Yesterday. A small brown spot with a slight ring around it was decided to be a possible menace and was extracted and sent away to be examined. Just for being different, how do you like that? that's life though. You aren't hurting anyone, just looking a little different, unique, but you scare people with your new ideas and your color and so they get rid of you. Just like that. Cut you out and send you away.

wow, did I really just turn my mole-removal into a political comment? Only me. That was completely tongue and cheek in case you didn't get that. I'm not completely sure what tongue and cheek is. Or if it is tongue in cheek. Or if there should be some dashes in the phrase. Hmm..

Let's move on. But before we do, I'd like to quickly remind you that my back hurts. Ok, now then. (that doesn't really make sense.. now? then? which is it?) Anyway, here there. ok.

Let me ask you something. Do you worry about anyone? I mean in particular. Do you have a friend or relative or maybe your grocer that you just think if anyone is gonna do X (X=get addicted to hard drugs, go postal, turn into a hermit, ask you out, etc.) it's gonna be this person? It's funny how some people just make you a little nervous.. There's just something a little off. And you make sure and stand back a few feet further than you normally would.

I'm not sure why I brought this up, seems like that should have been setting up a good story like, "well let me tell you about Larry..."

Well. Let me tell you about Larry.

Oh Larry. Most of the time everything was fine. I brought my groceries to the counter and paid for them with dollars and small talk. But some days he had this twitch. He didn't seem to really see me or remember all of the other times our lives intersected based on our mutual need to feed our families. "How are the children?" reverted to, "paper or plastic, ma'am?" and familiar eyes were slightly glazed over and very much distant. On these days I didn't press him. I returned his "ma'am" with "sir" and silently reprimanded myself as I walked through the lazy automatic door for hoping that his wife would give him a good lay tonight.

Larry had an accidental mullet made up of greying frizz. The mess sat atop his pointed head and fell into his eyes. He swept it behind his ears with a dainty motion that contrasted his tall burly figure. On the days he twitched, it stayed in his face. He was like an over-grown fairy with a beer-belly. He appeared as if he was forged inside of a funnel. He was a collage of magazine clippings. His petite features were found in a mascara ad on page 8 and pasted onto the body of the lumberjack selling weed-eater on page 26. He spoke in complete sentences which accounted for the pause before each one. "Come in from the wind and allow me to ask, how does this chilly evening find you?" Bantor was sport and he contrived wit that would astound, were it in rhythm, but instead confused after the silence that stood as it was birthed in his head. On days that he twitched, you could actually see the labor reflected in his face. Occasionally it was a still-birth. Whatever was brewing visibly vanished and he would look down at me in the lingering silence, asking "what are you waiting for?" Against all my reasoning, he scared me on the twitching days. As I stopped in front of and then walked through the antique automatic doors, I reprimanded my melodramatic self for picturing him slamming his fist on the scanner and grabbing the next customer by the shirt collar. I glanced back just to make sure. Of course, he was just scanning and twitching. One of these days, I told myself. I visited the Apple Mart as often as possible just to make sure i'd be there when he lost it.

I wish that I could continue this story now with a "one day, I really needed some milk. Little did I know this would be the last twitching day.." or maybe "One day, as I neared the little store, my eyes focused on flashing lights and caution tape.." Unfortunately, though, the story ends here with "one day I walked in and he was gone." Just like that. I never found out what happened. Sure, I have my theories. What do you think happened to Larry?

At Some Point In My Life...

At some point in my life, I'd like to spend a year travelling around the world, playing music on the street and living off the change I make. I'd like to meet people, especially other artists, and create music and art with them. Maybe my sister would come with me. Or it could be not so homeless/hippie and we could actually plan some sort of tour in Europe. Book some shows and sell our CDs all across the country. That might be a little better. Wow, I really wanna do that. Here's some inspiration:

Back to the grind

Back at the office. What a relief. For at least four hours I can pretend that it's over. Pretend that I won't have to call 5 people as soon as I leave to see what the 'plan' for the evening is. You see, it's December 29th and most people are packing up the tree, waving goodbye to family, cleaning up and letting their previous rhythms settle back into place. But for me this year, Christmas will not end. Once the scent of pine trees and gingerbread began to leak into the air, my life became a revolving door of visitors. Grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles- some of my very favorite people in the world- have come to have their special dinners and special games and special gifts and special evenings. It's making me especially tired and fat. As far as I can see the official end of it all is still about 5 days out. Five days, several unopened presents, a couple gallons of eggnog and one New Year's Eve party away. Can I make it? I suppose you'll have to check back this weekend to see. Give me a few days; if you don't see a post by, say, next Wednesday, then get worried. For now though, I'm enjoying having to be somewhere. Sorry, but I HAVE to!

Anyway, I hope your Christmas was lovely and is ending. Mine really was/is nice. I'm enjoying myself very much and pretending that losing my second job isn't going to completely screw me. For now, I just feel like I'm on vacation!

Are We Human?

Or are we dancer?

That's a good question, Mr. Killer. And also, nice song. thanks for making that song so that i can listen to it. Also, I like the 3rd one on the album, the one about storm-makers and dream-makers, not sure what its called.. Oh and a big not-thank you to my computer for making that particular track sound really weird and skippy. 'preciate it. ass.

Anyway, to the rest of you, Happy Christmas Eve. I hope you are not working like me but enjoying all the pre-game festivities. Last minute shopping, wrapping, cooking, travelling... I have a few of those to do today. I think i'll head over to Target during my lunch break..

Wow, I'm seriously bored. Probly because no one else is working today, and therefore, no one is calling. And furthermore, I am not needed. Buuuut, I do need the hours so I'm not going to complain. anymore. Right after this; fmuhhahh.. this sucks. ok, now i'm done. It think we're goonna get to go early anyway..

THIS JUST IN: I have just recieved word that we are closing our doors at 12:00 noon. That is in 22 minutes so i'm going to quit my bitching. You 2 have a great and merry Christmas and I'll see you on the other side.

Sia

You need to know about her. I'm really loving this video and this song right now
yummy!

It's Tuesday / Happy Chrstmas Eve Eve

It's Tuesday and I'm at work. You may be thinking, huh that's strange I thought she only worked monday wednesday and friday. And to that I say, stop reading this you stalker. More likely though is that you didn't think that because you probably don't know my work schedule. or care. But in case anyone is interested in knowing, I'm just makin up some hours I'm missing out on due to the holly jolly season.
This brings me to my next question [was there a first question?] You may have recently thought to yourself, "I wonder how her other job is going.." [that wasn't even a question] And to that I say, "define going.." I mean, what makes a good job? stability? time off around the holidays? well, then, i have the best job ever. I have all that. In fact, i don't even have to go back after the holidays! Yep. That's right. My ass is toast. I know, I'm appalled too. Who wouldn't want me gracing their establishment with my presence on a near daily basis? Beats me.. Anyway, it's no biggie, i'll be fine. I'm a glass half full kinda girl. (that reminded me of a Demetri Martin sketch I watched the other day where he tells about glass half full/half empty so I tried to find it on youtube but i couldn't, but i found this clip which is funny too..
he's just really funny and you should watch more of him) Anyway, back to me being fired.. it's just some bullshit but it's ok i'll live.

This guy that I work with came in this morning with a very festive sweater, santa hat, and was humming "Santa Claus is Coming Tonight". wow. that's some christmas spirit right there. mmhmm...

I think I may have run out of things to say right now. I started watching YouTube and it pretty much went down hill from there so.. ttyl.

Two Letters

#1

Dear Sir,

This is fun, but it's not good enough. You like me, but not enough. I like you, but it's getting exhausting to rise and fall with the hope at the end of the strings attached to your every word and motion. Enjoying the fantasy, all I could muster in self-defense was a warning, spoken either too softly to be heard or too softly to be regarded. Either way, my whispering "be careful with me" went unheeded. I will speak louder now. please leave me alone. You don't know what I'm worth. That is unfortunate for you. Pardon the drama but I just want to make myself clear. You are one of my favorite friends. This is my beckoning us back from the ledge where we've been measuring the gap between friends and "more than". I won't see us join the remains of other adventurers who grossly miscalculated the distance.

Love.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


#2

Dear sir,

I think about you all the time. After two years, I still think about you all the time. You play strange characters in my dreams. I've stopped trying to interpret. I wonder about you. I wonder what you think about certain things. I want your opinions and your advice. This letter has been forming in my mind for a long time now and in the end, I write it unfinished. There is no conclusion statement, no decision. Just words that need to fill space in the universe. A message in a bottle. When the ocean and the wind know just as well what is best for me, then I leave it up to them. So the words I send floating are that I miss you and I wish I still knew you. And as a daring last thought, I wonder if you think about me.

All my love.

Better Not Pout

This is the post my pride doesn't want me to write. This is the toddler tantrum welling up inside of me. This is the statement that warrants a "well, life isn't fair." This is a curve in the vicious circle. Another curve to wind it tighter until it spins like a top. The kind with the psychedelic spiral that moves in and out as it dances on the table like a 19 year-old with a fake ID. This kind of pouting gets coal.

With that said, I fold my arms, protrude my bottom lip and commence my shameless kicking and screaming.

'Tis the season, I hear. Frosty weather bids warm bodies huddle together. Cozy fires illuminate faces already blurred by eggnog and other "Christmas spirits", and the mistletoe hangs in the doorway as a perpetual catalyst. An accomplice, no doubt, of that little winged son-of-a-bitch, out making pre-season preparations.

It all evades me.

This is fine though. I enjoy balancing the one who has no balls with the one who can't keep it in his pants. Between the two of them, I stay pretty occupied. Occupied with banging my head against the wall. Unfortunately, even with this occupation I have miraculously found time to notice all the happy couples swarming around me. What a joyous time of year. Allow me to paint for you a picture of the disastrous love-flood of 2008.

First, my brother- why, he's just so smitten. She, of course, is glowing like she captured a firefly and wiped its butt all over her face. Then there's Sergio and Loni (I've changed the names to both make me sound like I have exotic friends and to pretend like anyone reads this or cares) So Sergio and Loni were engaged only a short while ago but tragically ended it in tears. Don't worry though, they're ok now and both in love again! Can you believe it? It's a Christmas miracle!! Gosh, I'm so happy for them. Then there's Jaunita. She's hardly finished with her divorce and already, wait for it.. She's found another! And, by golly, they're just so so damn happy. So happy together. Then, last night I'm at a party and I see my friend Rufus. He's not with Tamika though.. hmm, that's peculiar, they've been together for like 3 years.. who is this impostor? So, I get the scoop and apparently they went their separate ways an amount of time ago best expressed in weeks and you'll never believe it but they are both blissfully happy with their new special friend. yep. wow, what a blessing for them. (by the way, if you are picking up on the sarcasm here, you should feel about as proud as you feel about knowing your ABCs, it's pretty dense) Do I need to keep going? Love is so thick in the air, I'm swimming. No, drowning. Cupid's really gotten greedy this time. I'm sure this will have drastic effects on the economy of love. The amount of new relationships being created is just obscene and I am bracing myself for the effects if this inflation. Terrance has a new gal. Payton is engaged!! Esmarelda has never been happier. Josie is having a fantasy New Year's Eve wedding. Hector is seeing his wildest dreams come true and Sheila is, omigosh, like, so, like, like, so, like happy. Like, oh my gosh, like, kill me.

I'm pretty sure it's been about 2 years since I've been in an actual relationship and what I've found since then has been: 1 cute but unavailable, 2 nice but um, yeah, no. A few "well that was fun, see ya later"s, and a couple "hmmm, this could be good, maybe this cou- ok, guess not.." All topped off with 1 completely perfect who's now engaged to not-me.

If this pouting does indeed find me coals on Christmas morn, I will hide on the tops of buildings and chuck them at happy couples passing below.

I watched the video

I got the watch the video of my performance tuesday. I was glad to see that overall it did come off well. I feel good about it. Most of what I thought afterwards was true, there were some mistakes and I have a lot of work to do but it's definitely there. I can't wait to have the second piano and Mere singing and the whole show put together! I know I keep saying we've got some good ideas.. cause we do! Anyway, I just wanted to post a follow up to my post-show review. You know how sometimes watching yourself back on video is like "Seriously? that's what i look like? that's what i sound like? i do not!" haha, well it wasn't like that this time. I felt good about it. Ok, that's all about that.

I always feel like I don't have a lot of Christmas shopping to do til I actually start doing it and then I realise, crap, i've waited way to long. damnit. So I guess this weekend will be the scramble. I've never been a huge Christmas enthusiast. I mean, i like it, but I really just like all the time off work, the birthday parties (lots in december, including mine) and then the Christmas parties (like the one we're having tonight- The Ugly Sweater Christmas Kegger :) (my sweater is hideous) and all the family time. But the finacial stress, the last-minute shopping, all the bullshit of everyone suddenly super-religious and charitable, the consumerism, and all the sadness that is seemingly ampliphied this time of year- I don't like that stuff. I'm not sure where I was going with that. Um, I have a lot of shopping to do this weekend and i'm not looking forward to it.

last night

Last night I played a show at Cafe Coco. I think it went well. I tend to over-analyze... There were definitely mistakes. But I think overall it came off well.. It was my first show with Paul (on percussion) and my sister, Meredith, singing with me. It started out awesome I thought; there was so much energy with Paul and Mere. Then my voice was being a little ornery towards the end which was frustrating. It pretty much never acts up on me. There were a TON of people there though which was awesome. The sound guy, Cody, said that it is very rarely that full on a Tuesday night and they'd love to have us back! Sweet. So, overall, i think it was good, but it's hard for me not to be picky. and there were definitely mistakes. I think the reason is that I have been focusing mainly on Mere and I and "Trudy Chase" and this was a Katie Bandas show. Trudy Chase is definitely not ready and Katie Bandas has been a little left behind. So it was a little rough. But lets focus on the positive. It is important to keep performing even while we're working on new stuff and that is why I did this show. And I think, and hope, that in general it was good and people liked it and people were impressed. My brother video taped it so it'll be very interesting to watch. It's always so eye-opening to watch and listen to yourself. I was super nervous last night. I haven't been that nervous in a long time, I think it was because there were so many people there. I guess I'm just rambling on about this but it's on my mind. So ramble, i will. Things I need to work on are, well, aside from just getting all the parts written and learned and practiced for Trudy Chase, making it a little easier on Paul to follow (that was the nerves I think) and I'd like to work in some instrumental breaks since I now have a band and it'd be cool to give them a moment. But i've never had to do that before so Paul and Brian can probably help me work that in. I need to of course just memorize everything really well and maybe spend some time daily working out my voice it doesn't feel tired like that again. I'm sure that's nothing to worry about, that pretty much never happens.. So, um, I guess just more practice. i really need to use the restroom.

oh and..

The Christmas party WAS fun!
If this is any indication..



It was nice getting to know some of the people that I work with a little better. My date was absolutely amazing and fun. I am hoping I didn't make a fool of myself in front of the more laid-back party-goers but well, i'm really not that concerned.. what can i say, i like to dance. I did get a "looked like you were having fun" today.. that's usually not a good thing. As I began to feel the effects of the wine, I got pretty anxious to take the party elsewhere, so we all went out downtown and I was very pleasantly surprised at the stamina of my office-mates. For 9 to 5-ers they can very well party. Congrats to them. Did I mention my date was amazing? hmm :)

Get Angry

I was watching Fight Club the other day and thinking man, that would be nice sometime. To just let it out like that.

Simultaneously I've been observing my brother's bible study that he has with some guys and thinking how nice it would be to have a group of girls that got real with eachother but, honestly, i don't like bible studies that much.

Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with life. The cruelty of it. A friend from home has only a few months to live. Millions of people are ringing in the new year with job-loss. And for the love of all that is good, what's the meaning of all of it?

Enter brilliant plan. Life Club. (like fight club get it?) Whoever wants to, girls only, meets on a certain night of the week. You have your moment, a certain amount of time (10 minutes?) to talk about whatever is on your mind. Be it a frustration with a man, a spiritual doubt, a question about the world, a pleasant feeling, a song, a dream, something that pisses you off, a secret, anything. It's not exclusive to what you believe, who you know, how often you can come- just when you need to get something out into the universe, you will know where to find ears to hear. The rules are- Nothing leaves the room. It is a completely safe place. You come to listen as often as you come to speak. You don't judge. You are real.

This idea was born, honestly, out of frustration. I'm frustrated with our fat, lazy and stupid society. I'm frustrated with the numbness and the dumbing down of human relationships. How are you? fine. good. great. I have a feeling I'm not the only one with things to yell about, but it is entirely possible that I am.

It makes me nervous to think about actually trying to impliment this idea. I don't think people are used to being so raw and bare but at the same time I think we want to be. And what I truly believe is, if you are not apalled, if you are not angry, then you are not paying attention.

We're in Trouble

If you are open minded and not afraid to think or accept the fact that our world is fucked up, then watch this.

Bad Blogger!

I'm sorry, i've been so lame lately! i haven't felt like i really had anything cohesive to say. I've felt very scattered. But i'm kinda always like that i guess.. so here's no effort to resolve that. Here's my brain (on no substance)

So, i'm 23 now. that's thrilling. I'm actually really excited about this year. I think this is the one. the big one. we'll see.

I got a new phone for my birthday. the samsung "Behold" i may have already metioned that.. it's cool.

My company christmas party is tonight. should be fun. Our CFO walked by my desk yesterday and said "are you going to the christmas party?" (actually i'm sure its probably called a "holiday party") I said yeah and she said "well.. it's always interesting.. usually fun." and i think that sounds like a party i want to be at.

I've kinda been a bitch to my sister lately.. not sure why.. stress, pms, something.. i feel bad about it. cause i really like her.

this:


Sometimes i think i'm still in love with the person who cares like this. even though i don't know him anymore.

what's wrong with me.

i don't want to talk about this. but. i'm thinking about it now. but i don't want it on paper. but i'm still typing. and i dream about him a lot. damnit.

How is this still haunting me
I've waited as long as they said I would need
It seems you have forgotten me
It's something I thought I'd be happy to see
I've prayed for you to find your peace
Thought I'd have long since been set free
But I remain in a love that's died
A love that now has just one side
Sometimes it fades when I close my eyes
To an image burned in red and white
But the memories are sewn into my mind
with thread as long as the tears I've cried

I don't really like that poem. I wrote it and I did mean it and feel it but it's so dramatic. I'm not in a Jane Austen book and I will be ok. I don't know why I get like this. Probably cause I try not to need anyone. Music is my boyfriend :)haha.. wow, did not intend to write about this.

Anyway. I'm really looking forward to the party tonight. And my cute date. It'll be fun.

What I've been eating sleeping and breathing

My brother and sister and I have been working non-stop on the sister project, for which we are now test-driving the name "Trudy Chase". We actually have a deadline because Brian will be going on tour in January, but this is good because we need the fire under our butts! So we've been thinking of names, planning the live show, working on the image, recording, and getting really excited!! The name thing has been hard though... we can't find anything that's perfect and the ones that we've really liked have been taken. Trudy Chase is the title of a song that my mom's 90s rock band played. We thought it sounded pretty cool for a band. The basic idea of the group is two sisters playing 2 pianos and sharing vocals, lots of harmony and such, kinda a pop, jazz, r&b thing, kinda retro vibe.. Right now it's a lot of the songs i already do but we're just adding in another person. Anyway, the vision that we have for it is, i'm not gonna lie, pretty freakin sick. I can't give away anymore of our secrets though, you'll just have to wait and see.

Also, i am getting a new phone for my birt-day! woo!

Don't Play Solitaire

If you are bored in front of the computer or need a break from work then DO THIS!