Sleepover!

Last night I had all my sisters over for a good old fashioned sleepover. Meredith, Audrey and Sarah. Let me explain my family real quick. My parents are divorced and have both been re-married for over 10 years. (12 maybe?) They both have had children with their new spouses so I have siblings that are as much as 16 years younger than me. So last night My dad's little girl, Sarah, 9, and my mom's girl, Audrey, 8, came over to spend the night with Meredith and I. It was really fun to see Audrey and Sarah play together. We all had dinner at my mom's house first and on our way back to my apartment I suddenly had this kind of panicked feeling about having all my sisters in the car together. I let my mind go to that "what if" place, you know? when you think about things you shouldn't. "if anything happened to us right now, our brothers would lose their sisters and our parents would lose all their daughters!" Why on earth was I thinking about this? I don't know. I stopped but I kept it at 10 and 2 with my eyes glued to the road. I think the fact that my mind went there was just an extention of feeling so happy at that moment that I wanted to grab everything and hold it in place. I didn't want time or anything else to take it away. Feelings are a funny thing. Sorta like Jeopardy. The feeling comes like an answer for which you don't know the question. Like the maternal pang of x emotion that came over me in the car with those girls that left me wondering what it was that hit me. Was it seeing Audrey with a "sister" her age? Let me explain Audrey for a second. She is THE sweetest person you will ever meet. Loves everyone and is not too cool to show it. She is a tall lanky girl with glasses and a bit of a bunny rabbit situation. I swear she's gonna grow into all these features and be a 6 foot tall supermodel. But for now, she's a little awkward. She loves to read and write and narrate situations as they happen. She'll come up with a story between the dish rag and the plate as mom is doing the dishes. She has the artist's curse. She has trouble with friends sometimes. This mean girl Katie from back home has told her she is ugly and weird and things like that. Oh and she is also home-schooled. Sarah, on the other hand, is also very sweet, but has the added zing of public schooling. I think she understands social skills a little better but it may have taken a little innocence. She just displays more typical 9 year old behavior. She's an artist as well, loving music and dance and showing very promising writing skills. (I'm serious, she's gonna be good) Here's an anecdote from yesterday evening that may give more insight into their personalities. We're sitting at the table and Audrey asks Sarah, "Do you think I'm weird?" and Sarah says plainly, "no." Then she adds, "If you keep saying you're weird then you'll believe it." And that was that. They were so cute together the rest of the night. I didn't realize they would get along so well. They called each other their "double s" (sister's sister) and said they were gonna live together when they grew up. So, what's the answer to the jeopardy puzzle, "A feeling that came over you in the car with all of your sisters together." hmm... What is.. LOVE?

Back at my apartment, we answered "all of them" to "popcorn, cookies or ice cream?" and snuggled in for Horton Hears a Who. It was a really special night that I know we will all remember forever.

You Wanna Piece of Me??

Ow, ow, ow.
There is a pain coming from my lower back that feels like a chunk of my skin was cut out. oh wait.. it was. Yesterday. A small brown spot with a slight ring around it was decided to be a possible menace and was extracted and sent away to be examined. Just for being different, how do you like that? that's life though. You aren't hurting anyone, just looking a little different, unique, but you scare people with your new ideas and your color and so they get rid of you. Just like that. Cut you out and send you away.

wow, did I really just turn my mole-removal into a political comment? Only me. That was completely tongue and cheek in case you didn't get that. I'm not completely sure what tongue and cheek is. Or if it is tongue in cheek. Or if there should be some dashes in the phrase. Hmm..

Let's move on. But before we do, I'd like to quickly remind you that my back hurts. Ok, now then. (that doesn't really make sense.. now? then? which is it?) Anyway, here there. ok.

Let me ask you something. Do you worry about anyone? I mean in particular. Do you have a friend or relative or maybe your grocer that you just think if anyone is gonna do X (X=get addicted to hard drugs, go postal, turn into a hermit, ask you out, etc.) it's gonna be this person? It's funny how some people just make you a little nervous.. There's just something a little off. And you make sure and stand back a few feet further than you normally would.

I'm not sure why I brought this up, seems like that should have been setting up a good story like, "well let me tell you about Larry..."

Well. Let me tell you about Larry.

Oh Larry. Most of the time everything was fine. I brought my groceries to the counter and paid for them with dollars and small talk. But some days he had this twitch. He didn't seem to really see me or remember all of the other times our lives intersected based on our mutual need to feed our families. "How are the children?" reverted to, "paper or plastic, ma'am?" and familiar eyes were slightly glazed over and very much distant. On these days I didn't press him. I returned his "ma'am" with "sir" and silently reprimanded myself as I walked through the lazy automatic door for hoping that his wife would give him a good lay tonight.

Larry had an accidental mullet made up of greying frizz. The mess sat atop his pointed head and fell into his eyes. He swept it behind his ears with a dainty motion that contrasted his tall burly figure. On the days he twitched, it stayed in his face. He was like an over-grown fairy with a beer-belly. He appeared as if he was forged inside of a funnel. He was a collage of magazine clippings. His petite features were found in a mascara ad on page 8 and pasted onto the body of the lumberjack selling weed-eater on page 26. He spoke in complete sentences which accounted for the pause before each one. "Come in from the wind and allow me to ask, how does this chilly evening find you?" Bantor was sport and he contrived wit that would astound, were it in rhythm, but instead confused after the silence that stood as it was birthed in his head. On days that he twitched, you could actually see the labor reflected in his face. Occasionally it was a still-birth. Whatever was brewing visibly vanished and he would look down at me in the lingering silence, asking "what are you waiting for?" Against all my reasoning, he scared me on the twitching days. As I stopped in front of and then walked through the antique automatic doors, I reprimanded my melodramatic self for picturing him slamming his fist on the scanner and grabbing the next customer by the shirt collar. I glanced back just to make sure. Of course, he was just scanning and twitching. One of these days, I told myself. I visited the Apple Mart as often as possible just to make sure i'd be there when he lost it.

I wish that I could continue this story now with a "one day, I really needed some milk. Little did I know this would be the last twitching day.." or maybe "One day, as I neared the little store, my eyes focused on flashing lights and caution tape.." Unfortunately, though, the story ends here with "one day I walked in and he was gone." Just like that. I never found out what happened. Sure, I have my theories. What do you think happened to Larry?

At Some Point In My Life...

At some point in my life, I'd like to spend a year travelling around the world, playing music on the street and living off the change I make. I'd like to meet people, especially other artists, and create music and art with them. Maybe my sister would come with me. Or it could be not so homeless/hippie and we could actually plan some sort of tour in Europe. Book some shows and sell our CDs all across the country. That might be a little better. Wow, I really wanna do that. Here's some inspiration:

Back to the grind

Back at the office. What a relief. For at least four hours I can pretend that it's over. Pretend that I won't have to call 5 people as soon as I leave to see what the 'plan' for the evening is. You see, it's December 29th and most people are packing up the tree, waving goodbye to family, cleaning up and letting their previous rhythms settle back into place. But for me this year, Christmas will not end. Once the scent of pine trees and gingerbread began to leak into the air, my life became a revolving door of visitors. Grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles- some of my very favorite people in the world- have come to have their special dinners and special games and special gifts and special evenings. It's making me especially tired and fat. As far as I can see the official end of it all is still about 5 days out. Five days, several unopened presents, a couple gallons of eggnog and one New Year's Eve party away. Can I make it? I suppose you'll have to check back this weekend to see. Give me a few days; if you don't see a post by, say, next Wednesday, then get worried. For now though, I'm enjoying having to be somewhere. Sorry, but I HAVE to!

Anyway, I hope your Christmas was lovely and is ending. Mine really was/is nice. I'm enjoying myself very much and pretending that losing my second job isn't going to completely screw me. For now, I just feel like I'm on vacation!

Are We Human?

Or are we dancer?

That's a good question, Mr. Killer. And also, nice song. thanks for making that song so that i can listen to it. Also, I like the 3rd one on the album, the one about storm-makers and dream-makers, not sure what its called.. Oh and a big not-thank you to my computer for making that particular track sound really weird and skippy. 'preciate it. ass.

Anyway, to the rest of you, Happy Christmas Eve. I hope you are not working like me but enjoying all the pre-game festivities. Last minute shopping, wrapping, cooking, travelling... I have a few of those to do today. I think i'll head over to Target during my lunch break..

Wow, I'm seriously bored. Probly because no one else is working today, and therefore, no one is calling. And furthermore, I am not needed. Buuuut, I do need the hours so I'm not going to complain. anymore. Right after this; fmuhhahh.. this sucks. ok, now i'm done. It think we're goonna get to go early anyway..

THIS JUST IN: I have just recieved word that we are closing our doors at 12:00 noon. That is in 22 minutes so i'm going to quit my bitching. You 2 have a great and merry Christmas and I'll see you on the other side.

Sia

You need to know about her. I'm really loving this video and this song right now
yummy!

It's Tuesday / Happy Chrstmas Eve Eve

It's Tuesday and I'm at work. You may be thinking, huh that's strange I thought she only worked monday wednesday and friday. And to that I say, stop reading this you stalker. More likely though is that you didn't think that because you probably don't know my work schedule. or care. But in case anyone is interested in knowing, I'm just makin up some hours I'm missing out on due to the holly jolly season.
This brings me to my next question [was there a first question?] You may have recently thought to yourself, "I wonder how her other job is going.." [that wasn't even a question] And to that I say, "define going.." I mean, what makes a good job? stability? time off around the holidays? well, then, i have the best job ever. I have all that. In fact, i don't even have to go back after the holidays! Yep. That's right. My ass is toast. I know, I'm appalled too. Who wouldn't want me gracing their establishment with my presence on a near daily basis? Beats me.. Anyway, it's no biggie, i'll be fine. I'm a glass half full kinda girl. (that reminded me of a Demetri Martin sketch I watched the other day where he tells about glass half full/half empty so I tried to find it on youtube but i couldn't, but i found this clip which is funny too..
he's just really funny and you should watch more of him) Anyway, back to me being fired.. it's just some bullshit but it's ok i'll live.

This guy that I work with came in this morning with a very festive sweater, santa hat, and was humming "Santa Claus is Coming Tonight". wow. that's some christmas spirit right there. mmhmm...

I think I may have run out of things to say right now. I started watching YouTube and it pretty much went down hill from there so.. ttyl.

Two Letters

#1

Dear Sir,

This is fun, but it's not good enough. You like me, but not enough. I like you, but it's getting exhausting to rise and fall with the hope at the end of the strings attached to your every word and motion. Enjoying the fantasy, all I could muster in self-defense was a warning, spoken either too softly to be heard or too softly to be regarded. Either way, my whispering "be careful with me" went unheeded. I will speak louder now. please leave me alone. You don't know what I'm worth. That is unfortunate for you. Pardon the drama but I just want to make myself clear. You are one of my favorite friends. This is my beckoning us back from the ledge where we've been measuring the gap between friends and "more than". I won't see us join the remains of other adventurers who grossly miscalculated the distance.

Love.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


#2

Dear sir,

I think about you all the time. After two years, I still think about you all the time. You play strange characters in my dreams. I've stopped trying to interpret. I wonder about you. I wonder what you think about certain things. I want your opinions and your advice. This letter has been forming in my mind for a long time now and in the end, I write it unfinished. There is no conclusion statement, no decision. Just words that need to fill space in the universe. A message in a bottle. When the ocean and the wind know just as well what is best for me, then I leave it up to them. So the words I send floating are that I miss you and I wish I still knew you. And as a daring last thought, I wonder if you think about me.

All my love.

Better Not Pout

This is the post my pride doesn't want me to write. This is the toddler tantrum welling up inside of me. This is the statement that warrants a "well, life isn't fair." This is a curve in the vicious circle. Another curve to wind it tighter until it spins like a top. The kind with the psychedelic spiral that moves in and out as it dances on the table like a 19 year-old with a fake ID. This kind of pouting gets coal.

With that said, I fold my arms, protrude my bottom lip and commence my shameless kicking and screaming.

'Tis the season, I hear. Frosty weather bids warm bodies huddle together. Cozy fires illuminate faces already blurred by eggnog and other "Christmas spirits", and the mistletoe hangs in the doorway as a perpetual catalyst. An accomplice, no doubt, of that little winged son-of-a-bitch, out making pre-season preparations.

It all evades me.

This is fine though. I enjoy balancing the one who has no balls with the one who can't keep it in his pants. Between the two of them, I stay pretty occupied. Occupied with banging my head against the wall. Unfortunately, even with this occupation I have miraculously found time to notice all the happy couples swarming around me. What a joyous time of year. Allow me to paint for you a picture of the disastrous love-flood of 2008.

First, my brother- why, he's just so smitten. She, of course, is glowing like she captured a firefly and wiped its butt all over her face. Then there's Sergio and Loni (I've changed the names to both make me sound like I have exotic friends and to pretend like anyone reads this or cares) So Sergio and Loni were engaged only a short while ago but tragically ended it in tears. Don't worry though, they're ok now and both in love again! Can you believe it? It's a Christmas miracle!! Gosh, I'm so happy for them. Then there's Jaunita. She's hardly finished with her divorce and already, wait for it.. She's found another! And, by golly, they're just so so damn happy. So happy together. Then, last night I'm at a party and I see my friend Rufus. He's not with Tamika though.. hmm, that's peculiar, they've been together for like 3 years.. who is this impostor? So, I get the scoop and apparently they went their separate ways an amount of time ago best expressed in weeks and you'll never believe it but they are both blissfully happy with their new special friend. yep. wow, what a blessing for them. (by the way, if you are picking up on the sarcasm here, you should feel about as proud as you feel about knowing your ABCs, it's pretty dense) Do I need to keep going? Love is so thick in the air, I'm swimming. No, drowning. Cupid's really gotten greedy this time. I'm sure this will have drastic effects on the economy of love. The amount of new relationships being created is just obscene and I am bracing myself for the effects if this inflation. Terrance has a new gal. Payton is engaged!! Esmarelda has never been happier. Josie is having a fantasy New Year's Eve wedding. Hector is seeing his wildest dreams come true and Sheila is, omigosh, like, so, like, like, so, like happy. Like, oh my gosh, like, kill me.

I'm pretty sure it's been about 2 years since I've been in an actual relationship and what I've found since then has been: 1 cute but unavailable, 2 nice but um, yeah, no. A few "well that was fun, see ya later"s, and a couple "hmmm, this could be good, maybe this cou- ok, guess not.." All topped off with 1 completely perfect who's now engaged to not-me.

If this pouting does indeed find me coals on Christmas morn, I will hide on the tops of buildings and chuck them at happy couples passing below.

I watched the video

I got the watch the video of my performance tuesday. I was glad to see that overall it did come off well. I feel good about it. Most of what I thought afterwards was true, there were some mistakes and I have a lot of work to do but it's definitely there. I can't wait to have the second piano and Mere singing and the whole show put together! I know I keep saying we've got some good ideas.. cause we do! Anyway, I just wanted to post a follow up to my post-show review. You know how sometimes watching yourself back on video is like "Seriously? that's what i look like? that's what i sound like? i do not!" haha, well it wasn't like that this time. I felt good about it. Ok, that's all about that.

I always feel like I don't have a lot of Christmas shopping to do til I actually start doing it and then I realise, crap, i've waited way to long. damnit. So I guess this weekend will be the scramble. I've never been a huge Christmas enthusiast. I mean, i like it, but I really just like all the time off work, the birthday parties (lots in december, including mine) and then the Christmas parties (like the one we're having tonight- The Ugly Sweater Christmas Kegger :) (my sweater is hideous) and all the family time. But the finacial stress, the last-minute shopping, all the bullshit of everyone suddenly super-religious and charitable, the consumerism, and all the sadness that is seemingly ampliphied this time of year- I don't like that stuff. I'm not sure where I was going with that. Um, I have a lot of shopping to do this weekend and i'm not looking forward to it.

last night

Last night I played a show at Cafe Coco. I think it went well. I tend to over-analyze... There were definitely mistakes. But I think overall it came off well.. It was my first show with Paul (on percussion) and my sister, Meredith, singing with me. It started out awesome I thought; there was so much energy with Paul and Mere. Then my voice was being a little ornery towards the end which was frustrating. It pretty much never acts up on me. There were a TON of people there though which was awesome. The sound guy, Cody, said that it is very rarely that full on a Tuesday night and they'd love to have us back! Sweet. So, overall, i think it was good, but it's hard for me not to be picky. and there were definitely mistakes. I think the reason is that I have been focusing mainly on Mere and I and "Trudy Chase" and this was a Katie Bandas show. Trudy Chase is definitely not ready and Katie Bandas has been a little left behind. So it was a little rough. But lets focus on the positive. It is important to keep performing even while we're working on new stuff and that is why I did this show. And I think, and hope, that in general it was good and people liked it and people were impressed. My brother video taped it so it'll be very interesting to watch. It's always so eye-opening to watch and listen to yourself. I was super nervous last night. I haven't been that nervous in a long time, I think it was because there were so many people there. I guess I'm just rambling on about this but it's on my mind. So ramble, i will. Things I need to work on are, well, aside from just getting all the parts written and learned and practiced for Trudy Chase, making it a little easier on Paul to follow (that was the nerves I think) and I'd like to work in some instrumental breaks since I now have a band and it'd be cool to give them a moment. But i've never had to do that before so Paul and Brian can probably help me work that in. I need to of course just memorize everything really well and maybe spend some time daily working out my voice it doesn't feel tired like that again. I'm sure that's nothing to worry about, that pretty much never happens.. So, um, I guess just more practice. i really need to use the restroom.

oh and..

The Christmas party WAS fun!
If this is any indication..



It was nice getting to know some of the people that I work with a little better. My date was absolutely amazing and fun. I am hoping I didn't make a fool of myself in front of the more laid-back party-goers but well, i'm really not that concerned.. what can i say, i like to dance. I did get a "looked like you were having fun" today.. that's usually not a good thing. As I began to feel the effects of the wine, I got pretty anxious to take the party elsewhere, so we all went out downtown and I was very pleasantly surprised at the stamina of my office-mates. For 9 to 5-ers they can very well party. Congrats to them. Did I mention my date was amazing? hmm :)

Get Angry

I was watching Fight Club the other day and thinking man, that would be nice sometime. To just let it out like that.

Simultaneously I've been observing my brother's bible study that he has with some guys and thinking how nice it would be to have a group of girls that got real with eachother but, honestly, i don't like bible studies that much.

Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with life. The cruelty of it. A friend from home has only a few months to live. Millions of people are ringing in the new year with job-loss. And for the love of all that is good, what's the meaning of all of it?

Enter brilliant plan. Life Club. (like fight club get it?) Whoever wants to, girls only, meets on a certain night of the week. You have your moment, a certain amount of time (10 minutes?) to talk about whatever is on your mind. Be it a frustration with a man, a spiritual doubt, a question about the world, a pleasant feeling, a song, a dream, something that pisses you off, a secret, anything. It's not exclusive to what you believe, who you know, how often you can come- just when you need to get something out into the universe, you will know where to find ears to hear. The rules are- Nothing leaves the room. It is a completely safe place. You come to listen as often as you come to speak. You don't judge. You are real.

This idea was born, honestly, out of frustration. I'm frustrated with our fat, lazy and stupid society. I'm frustrated with the numbness and the dumbing down of human relationships. How are you? fine. good. great. I have a feeling I'm not the only one with things to yell about, but it is entirely possible that I am.

It makes me nervous to think about actually trying to impliment this idea. I don't think people are used to being so raw and bare but at the same time I think we want to be. And what I truly believe is, if you are not apalled, if you are not angry, then you are not paying attention.

We're in Trouble

If you are open minded and not afraid to think or accept the fact that our world is fucked up, then watch this.

Bad Blogger!

I'm sorry, i've been so lame lately! i haven't felt like i really had anything cohesive to say. I've felt very scattered. But i'm kinda always like that i guess.. so here's no effort to resolve that. Here's my brain (on no substance)

So, i'm 23 now. that's thrilling. I'm actually really excited about this year. I think this is the one. the big one. we'll see.

I got a new phone for my birthday. the samsung "Behold" i may have already metioned that.. it's cool.

My company christmas party is tonight. should be fun. Our CFO walked by my desk yesterday and said "are you going to the christmas party?" (actually i'm sure its probably called a "holiday party") I said yeah and she said "well.. it's always interesting.. usually fun." and i think that sounds like a party i want to be at.

I've kinda been a bitch to my sister lately.. not sure why.. stress, pms, something.. i feel bad about it. cause i really like her.

this:


Sometimes i think i'm still in love with the person who cares like this. even though i don't know him anymore.

what's wrong with me.

i don't want to talk about this. but. i'm thinking about it now. but i don't want it on paper. but i'm still typing. and i dream about him a lot. damnit.

How is this still haunting me
I've waited as long as they said I would need
It seems you have forgotten me
It's something I thought I'd be happy to see
I've prayed for you to find your peace
Thought I'd have long since been set free
But I remain in a love that's died
A love that now has just one side
Sometimes it fades when I close my eyes
To an image burned in red and white
But the memories are sewn into my mind
with thread as long as the tears I've cried

I don't really like that poem. I wrote it and I did mean it and feel it but it's so dramatic. I'm not in a Jane Austen book and I will be ok. I don't know why I get like this. Probably cause I try not to need anyone. Music is my boyfriend :)haha.. wow, did not intend to write about this.

Anyway. I'm really looking forward to the party tonight. And my cute date. It'll be fun.

What I've been eating sleeping and breathing

My brother and sister and I have been working non-stop on the sister project, for which we are now test-driving the name "Trudy Chase". We actually have a deadline because Brian will be going on tour in January, but this is good because we need the fire under our butts! So we've been thinking of names, planning the live show, working on the image, recording, and getting really excited!! The name thing has been hard though... we can't find anything that's perfect and the ones that we've really liked have been taken. Trudy Chase is the title of a song that my mom's 90s rock band played. We thought it sounded pretty cool for a band. The basic idea of the group is two sisters playing 2 pianos and sharing vocals, lots of harmony and such, kinda a pop, jazz, r&b thing, kinda retro vibe.. Right now it's a lot of the songs i already do but we're just adding in another person. Anyway, the vision that we have for it is, i'm not gonna lie, pretty freakin sick. I can't give away anymore of our secrets though, you'll just have to wait and see.

Also, i am getting a new phone for my birt-day! woo!

Don't Play Solitaire

If you are bored in front of the computer or need a break from work then DO THIS!

At Some Point

Allow me to expound on my last post.

Sometimes I feel like I have all these people inside of me, all these different people with different dreams. They are all within the context of who I am at the core- an artist, a dreamer, a lover- but different manifestations the many facets of my personality. I suppose this is common. I think everyone is conflicted from time to time with contrary desires. That's why some people change majors twenty two times in the first year of college. Anyway, I thought of an idea recently to break up my life into 2 year sections where I do something different every 2 years. Or maybe not 2 years, maybe it'll just vary depending on what the thing is, but anyway, give all these people their time.

(the problem with this and the reason I probly won't actually do this is that music is pretty much #1 and that will always be there. But I think all of this as something that would go alongside.. or something.. whatever it's just fantasy..)

Here are a few:

AT SOME POINT in my life I'd like to go to a small town somewhere, buy or rent a little old house and maybe work in a cafe or something for a little money, and just make art all the time. it would be a little art haven. I could paint, decorate, sew, have a garden, sing, dance, make furniture, play piano, learn guitar. anything. i don't know why but i've been thinking about this one for a while. It'd be right off the edge of town and I would ride my bike everywhere. And I have to admit that in this one, I see myself married. I don't think it would be as fun alone. But think about it, just me and him, doing nothing. til we get restless then we leave. I'll be surrounded by flowers and air and wear cotton dresses and make soup from the vegetables in my garden. We'll listen to records and we won't have a TV. Life will be like summer- lazy, warm and slow.



AT SOME POINT in my life I'd like to live in New York City. At least for a little bit. This is the part where everything will be fast-paced and modern. I'll wear heels and embrace technology. I imagine myself having a cool job for some sort of designer or something. A New York young professional. A starbucks regular. Life will be like fall- wear a sweater and don't blink or you'll miss it.

At some point in my life #1

I will live in a Yurt in Colorado.

When He walks on water

Yesterday morning I went to church. The pastor spoke on Matthew 14 something, where Jesus walks on water. What a crazy and beautiful story. I thought it was a nice sermon. I nodded at all of his points and prayed for understanding and application. Consider the story for a moment. Jesus commands His disciples to get into the boat without Him, knowing that a storm awaits them. In the midst of that storm He walks 3 miles on water to meet them. Then Peter opens his big mouth and ends up walking out to meet Him. It says that when they got back into the boat, the storm was calm and they worshipped Him. Now, why would you ask for application of this story and expect anything less than earth-shaking? This did not occur to me this morning.

I spent the rest of the day with friends "watching" the football games, eating too much food, and laughing. I recognized mid-fun how blessed I am with the people in my life. I was particularly glad to see my friend, Andrew, and not just because he is the star of the rest of this post. I really truly remember being so glad that he was there. I haven't gotten to see him much lately.

Later that evening, the last few of us decided to go back to Andrew's house (where my brother and his brother live as well) and (planned to) watch South Park. We parted with a "see you there" but in fact, the next time I saw him was on the side of the road, staring into a ditch at the underbelly of his cadillac. I was baffled at the contrary states of the car and himself but he admitted the only thing hurt was his pride. Seems there was a moment of spinning and then he was upside down. He put the car in park, unbuckled and crawled out. Of course, the car had no such luck of coming out unscathed and staring down at it, we knew it would be an evening of tow-trucks, police reports and insurance company hold music. We didn't care. We knew what we had escaped and how differently the evening might be going if. We didn't talk about the "if"s or "could"s but the silence said it. I tried to keep my dramatic self at bay but I wasn't going to pretend. I hugged Andrew for a while and then let him tend to his upside-down car predicament.

Driving home (eyes glued on the road, hands at 10 and 2 of course), I began to give credit where I knew it was due.

"Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you."

I let my mind settle into a state of gratitude for this and all the other times, whether known to me or not, that He has kept my family and people I love safe. I felt the weight of all the thanks I owed him and began to cry. Alone in a silent car, I felt open. I felt exposed and honest. I began to talk to God in a way that I haven't in a while. I said I was sorry for hurting Him and I didn't understand why he spared me hurt. Even saved me from it. He said it was because He loves me. I asked what I needed to do and He said, "Know that I love you." By definition, it is hard to know that someone loves you with an incomprehesible love but I felt a level of it and I asked Him to wrap me in it and for the 30 minute drive I sat in it. And I thanked Him for it. I sang and He listened.

When Jesus walked on water, the disciples were afraid. At His command their fear ceased with the storm and "those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God.'" (Matthew 14:33)

Sometimes He whispers. Sometimes He walks on water. Maybe I wasn't hearing the whispering, but I saw this. Truly He is the Son of God.

Jake and Amir

This is ridiculous. I almost couldn't answer the phone cause i was laughing. Watch more here


Movie Debate from Amir on Vimeo.

This sh*t is bananas

I had a dream last night that my friend Travis was a bear-wrestler and that the owner of the restaurant I work at came over to my house and he liked my decorating and he was nice (if you knew him that would be funny), and then I was trying to talk about Ted's bananas to some other friends (one was Jonathan Aboites but I can't remember who else- and I'll fill you in on the banana thing in just a moment) but they didn't get it and there was something else weird I dreamt last night, what was it.... I can't remember, maybe it'll come to me later..

Anyway, bananas. If I'm holding a bunch of bananas, 5 to be exact, and I ask 2 people how many things I'm holding and one says ONE bunch of bananas and the other says FIVE bananas, then who is right? they can't both be right.. right? because 5 is not the same as 1, and I can't be holding 5 things and 1 thing.

Neighbor Ted was trying out some material on my sister and I last night for the Philosophy class he teaches at Vanderbilt. I gave him the thumbs up cause he sure got me thinking.

This initial banana situation didn't really get me going. I thought, you could do that with anything, I really don't see what the point is. Am I six body parts or one person? Is the child holding 25 crayons or 1 box of crayons. Both, depending on how you look at it. You can break down anything and talk about this. So I tried to turn it into a math equation.
1 bunch/5 bananas= 1 thing/X
If you are turning the noun "bunch" to the noun "thing" then you can't turn the noun "banana" to the noun "thing" because bunch does not equal banana. SO when Ted went straight to the statement "One thing is not the same as five things" perhaps he skipped a step. It's like if you are writing a story and using pronouns.

Ted went to the store. He bought some apples. Jim never goes to the store. He hates apples. Why did "he" buy apples if "he" hates them. Is that not a contradiction? No, because we know that the pronoun first refers to Ted because of the placement of it and then it refers to Jim because it follows the sentence talking about Jim.

So maybe using the word "thing" is similar. You could even make it more obvious. I own one car. I own 25 pairs of shoes. I own one thing. I own 25 things. But 25 is not equal to one. See?

However, I'm not a philosophy scholar so let's go with the implications of what Ted was talking about. If the possibility for this kind of seeming contradiction exists then doesn't that open the door for relative truth? That 2 people can believe two things that compete and both are correct?

Let's move on from that to the real mind-f*ck of last night. Ted tells us the story of Theseus's Boat. Here's my summary of Ted's version. Theseus sails out on a ship made of oak. Throughout his voyage he has to replace some of the wood planks and he uses teak wood. By the end of his journey, when he sails back in, he has, one by one, replaced all the old wood with new teak planks and tossed out all of the oak so that not one piece of the old wood remains. Is it the same boat?

Now, let's add to that. Along his journey a scavenger has been collecting all the oak planks and builts a boat with them that is identical to Theseus's. The scavenger sails in and docks his boat next to Theseus's. Did Theseus dock the same boat that he left with? Did the scavenger dock the boat that Theseus left in? Think of it like this- the boat that Theseus sails out in, made of oak, is A, the boat he sails IN in, made of teak, is B and the boat that the scavenger builts, made of the pieces of oak tossed out, is C. It is obvious that B does not equal C. But does A=B or does A=C? Of course many smart people have dicussed and pondered this and come up with theories and answers to this question and others about identity and persistence such as "whether one can step into the same river twice precisely because it continually undergoes changes". Read this: http://faculty.washington.edu/smcohen/320/theseus.html

This is somewhat of a response to this video:


Tyra Banks ‘shocked’ by teen sex crisis

Feeling shocked, saddened, overwhelmed or angry would not be an uncommon response to watching the news these days. It seems our emotions are the big red target of the media. They stir and move us with stories of sad children and lost puppies. They paste exotic-looking babies accross our screens, staring at us through large tear-filled "Precious Moments" eyes. We find ourselves racing to the store or the phone or to our checkbooks, or whatever the man holding the baby tells us to do, and we buy it or we sell it or we give it. Only then can we continue reading People Magazine guilt-free. Of course I'm half kidding. I do believe it's important for us all to be extracted from our bubbles and exposed to the very real suffering that is taking place outside of them. But there is a fine line- I'm getting way off track. All this was to say that out of all the bids for my tears today, this one wins. Maybe it's because I've been there; I've been a teenage girl, that is, and I know what it's like to have sexuality handed to you and not know what to do with it. I am thankful and recognize that I was lucky to have had the parents and friends that I had, though, and that in my church-going circle it was cooler to "save it". I think what it saved me was a lot of confusion and maybe even an STD or two. Anyway, I sympathize with the girls and it breaks my heart to see them searching for love and acceptance in this way. And that is what it is. Apparently Tyra and I share a passion. More power to her. My thoughts can't be helped from going in this direction however: In a recent post I talked about my own personal self-esteem issues and I'm not sure if I mentioned this, maybe I did, but I believe a large part of the struggle for me as of late has been spurred by a newfound obsession with America's Next Top Model. I wonder if other girls watching the show have had a similar reaction. Looking in the mirror, not appearing 5'10" and 125 and then experiencing dissatisfacation. Regardless of the encouraging voices that echo still from parents, friends, or maybe a loving man that made you feel like a supermodel or better yet, made you feel like you didn't need to look like one- regardless, you don't approve of the reflection and swear of sugar right then and there. I imagine I am not alone in this. I do consider myself a very self-assured, confident and strong women, which is why one day instead of vowing to deny chocolate, I told myself I'd be taking a break from ANTM. It has proved to be a good decision. Please understand, I don't believe there is anything wrong with the show. I still like it a lot and intend to catch up on what I've missed eventually but I will make sure and only have it in small doses. Just a personal decision to protect myself because apparently I can't quite handle it. That being said, and not to judge Tyra, I wonder how someone with such a passion for young girls' self esteem can be in an industry that promotes such unrealistic standards of beauty. You can reference my previous post for a discussion on the thin line between fashion as such and fashion as art. Consider this: If someone dedicates their life to rehabing alcoholics and spreading awareness about the dangers of alcohol and alcohol addiciton and this subject is their "passion", I would think that maybe they would stay away from alcohol even responsibly and in moderation as, if nothing else, an example. I would think that they would stay as far away from the line of hypocracy as possible so that no fingers would be pointed at them and their efforts would yeild spot-less results. If that is a stretch at least we can all agree that you would certainly not find them simultaneously in a beer commercial. Maybe that is not a fair parallel to draw. But I'd say that she is toeing the line a bit. She's certainly not miles from it. On the other hand, I love the way she treats the girls on the show and that a plus size model won last year. I love that when it come down to a bottom two in which less skill and more heart is pitted against a supermodel with a bad attitude, Tyra reveals her heart. I have no doubt that in the lives of the individual participants, Tyra is a positive voice. Is that enough, though, to mask the fact that for the "average", the non-model, on their road to a solid positive self image, the fashion industry is often a large stumbling block? Honestly, I'm undecided on this one. I could say no, that's an unexcusable contradiction, but what is the solution. Is Tyra Banks supposed to shun the industry that she was born from? Deny the people that have grown her and nurtured her into the woman that she is? Or was she wrong to ever be a part of it. I will go ahead and speak an opinion here and say no. She was given a set of gifts and talents that have gotten her to where she is- which is a point in which she has the authority and resources to speak positively into the lives of young girls. If I cannot provide a solution or at least an example of what would be a better situation then I'm not going to make accusations. I could discuss this forever and play all parts so to try and come to somewhat of a conclusion, I'd say that I believe that fashion is fun and it's a beautiful art form that can be distorted in both its delivery and perception. I support the efforts that Tyra is making to equip our youth and their parents with resources to understand and manage immature sexuality. Our sex-drenched media will not be parting any time soon, so I believe it's time for parents to aggressively reclaim the responsibility for the impressionable minds of their children.

One last thought for the day...

whaa?

With as much time as I have...

I should start one of those blogs where the writing is actually focused and about something and people read it. Cause I would have enough time to keep up with it, seeing as this is my 3rd post of the day and it's 3:00. But... nah.

So, I brought my music binder to work today to type up some of my lyrics and get things a little more organized for my sister and I as we work on things. I have tons of random little pieces of songs and bits of lyrics and poems and stuff in there and so I thought I might put some up. Some of it I read and think, wow, can you be any more dramatic? But oh well, what's life without a little melodrama huh? And more importantly, whats a song without it :)

Here's one bit:

So many lasts are known only in memory
So many firsts are not believed
And moments uncovered midst one of these
Leave scrambling souls with moments thieved

And another:

There must be a golden place
Just beyond the shock of pain and before comfort
Where remnants of disgust are breathed into power
And we find a change

Another still:

Mines, arranged in the shape of every step I take
I can't look away, because I'm so afraid
There's no one around, just shadows on the ground

Or is it that've not taken the time
To follow a shadow upward and find
Mouths and hands and hearts like mine
Poor and dirty and hungry and blind

More? ok:

Someone told me that was life, now they tell me it's this
And it's getting hard to find the real
Someone said "This is truth" then they said, "Well, give or take"
Give or take?
Can someone please speak with authority to me?
I will believe.

Don't you understand that I can't be right, if what you say is true
So, for once in your life, will you stand up and let me see all of you
Can someone please speak with authority to me?
I will believe.

Just one more:

I would let the trees tell me who I can and cannot be
before I would hear it from you
I'd have the stars let me know where I can and cannot go
before I would hear it from you
I think you and your misery maybe want some company

Siesta

I just got back from lunch and am feeling in need of a post-lunch nap. This got me wondering what it would be like if we had siesta in the US. My first reaction is that that would be awesome. But then my American-ness thinks that if we're gonna shorten the work day let's just leave earlier you know? Most days I see if I can just skip lunch and leave early or come in late. I usually bring my lunch cause I can't afford to eat out so I go to the kitchen and it takes me like 15 minutes to eat and then I sit there and try to think of what else I could do to fill up the next 45 minutes. And I'm not allowed to get overtime so I try to save errands to run or something. But i really wish I could've just come to work 45 minutes late! Anyway, on the other hand, it would do us all good I think to take things a little slower and to allow our day to play out and be long and full instead of rushing everything, "saving" time, and waiting til we want to cash it in for some R and R. Which surely never comes. We should take tasks one at a time, deal with the morning, take a moment to SIT and nourish our bodies with real food, allow it to digest, empty our minds and possibly even rest, then we open our eyes and only at that point do we consider the next set of tasks that the afternoon has for us. And when the sun sets in the sky we send our worries of the day with it and rest our hearts in contentment and our bodies in our beds to prepare for the next set tasks that tomorrow will bring.
Well, ideally, I suppose..

balls or no balls

Here's what ended up happening:

You can see it's not short. But I did color it. I decided not to make 2 drastic changes in one day. The color is actually slightly more red and not quite as dark as it appears in this picture. Anyway, I really like it.

It was a beautiful day yesterday so the sis and I took some pics outiside. I was reminded how much I want a digital camera. I love the camera I used for these because the pics come out with so much character and its not an Adobe filter. But it's just expensive to use film. Anyway, here are some faves:



































Ok that was more than a few...
There were a couple other good ones that I wanted to put up but couldn't get them turned.. Not sure how I got that first one to work and now the other ones aren't. Oh well..

If I Were A Boy

Today is a really weird day. And, unfortunately, not in a good way. I'm on my period, hung over, suffering from what I'm fairly positive at this point is a broken rib, and nursing the stiched up hole in my back from a biopsy. I've taken 4 advil but my headache persists. I am drinking a cup of tea right now to see if some caffiene would do my body good. I also did not sleep very well last night so that's been ailing me as well. I took a quick nap in my car during lunch and woke up what felt about half a second after I shut my eyes, groggy like a toddler. I surveyed my grey surroundings, remembered, and sunk into a somewhat dillusional and depressed state of mind. One of those moods where I feel like I'm in a different dimension than everyone else. Where things are a bit foggy like I'm viewing it all through an old window. What a perfect storm. What a shitty day. But Beyonce helped when I got back to my desk by having made this video- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVTyLqkez6A I'm not sure why that made me feel any better.. I just like it.

In case you were wondering green tea and starburst is not as bad of a combination as you would think.

Well, I guess I just have an hour left here.. Then it's off to job #2. Fridays are my long days.

I've been collecting pictures that inspire me for the "sister project". We still don't have a name for it yet.. Although, i probably wouldn't put it up here since I'm making an effort to keep this anonymous.. Here are some pics I've saved. These are things that ispire me in some way in regards to our promo shots/style/image/album cover and all that stuff.

Music

It's starting to itch bad. I NEED to be playing music. And NOT sitting here answering the phone. It's starting to burn. I'm surrounded by people who's livelyhood is singing/playing/writing/producing and I feel a very physical need to be a part of it. Like being hungry or thirsty. I went to see a friend's brother's band play last night and they were one of the most creative and quality groups I've seen in a while. My ears could hear that they were good, my eyes were pleased, and there were times that I felt like I was floating-the music high, but the thing that makes me certain that they were an amazing band is that they fueled my fire and as they played I was inspired with ideas and drive to push in the direction of creative sustanance. Mere and I worked a lot yesterday on music and I have a gig in about a month that I'd like to "debut" some of our stuff. My step-dad is gonna play drums/percussion for us for that show and then I was hoping I could get a guitar and bass player (i know a few) and have a band.. I think it'd be pretty rad. The music I've been writing lately really needs more. It's exciting. The closer I get, the more I can taste it, and I need it, and I work harder, and feel it more and then push harder still.

In other news, I'm slightly hung over, which sucks, cause I didn't think I drank THAT much last night... just a couple glasses of wine and a couple beers. but... I've got a little headache and I'm pretty exhausted.. I think I'm gonna do another alcohol break. Just for a bit, cut out the calories, extra monies and well, the hangovers... Although I have a whole box of wine at home.. So maybe I'll limit myself to one glass of that only a day. Ok, it's in writing so I have to now. How about a time frame? ok, um, we'll start with 2 weeks.

I've got my hair appointment tomorrow morning. so.. we'll see if I have the balls or not. I'm pretty much not deciding until I get there :)

Guess that's all for now, I'm listening to Allison Krauss, she's great.

i thank You God for most this amazing

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings

Gliding Box of Death

"I can't believe morning came so quickly.." says my fellow traveller. We're on our way up to the 4th floor. Two strangers, trapped in a mirrored box. We cling to our separate corners like the floor is going to fall out. My eyes follow a door, floor, wall, ceiling pattern interrupted only momentarily to present the chubby blonde woman in business casual with as much of a smile and as my morning-fuzzy brain could create. A distant smile that probably came out looking like the face a toddler makes when they are.. well, putting their diaper to use. Now, the silence in that box is excruciating enough but when a pointless morning comment is released into it, it becomes unbearably toxic. I mean come on, really? you can't believe morning came so soon? what the hell does that even mean? it comes right about the same time every day.. Anyway, regardless of the content of whats been said, you're only option is to ignore it and run the risk of being crushed to death by its expanding presence as it balloons and reaches for all sides and corners of the tight space or you can neutralize it with a counter-comment. Feeling less than brave, I chose, "It always does.." And that was that. Floor 3.. Floor 4.. Thank God. And this is the point in which I tell myself, never again.. it's healthier to take stairs anyway.. you need some exercise. One previous elevator ride that induced this vow was one in which a very large sweaty man, staring relentlessly at the ascending floor numbers and dabbing at his forehead with a hankerchief, assured himself, outloud, that there's "just one more day" (it was a friday morning). Um, awkward. You poor man, are you really that miserable? I mean, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about but that doesn't seem like a socially acceptable elevator comment. Maybe if delivered with a wink and a smile, ok, but you have to understand that, in this moment, I felt true pannick to get out of that soul-sucking, sweaty-man-box or become like the poor fellow in Fight Club, nestled between man-boobs, urging him to "just let it out". So, to avoid having a "moment" with Bob I denied my natural response: "um.. dude? you ok?", held my breath and just left his comment lingering in the air, polluting and growing the uncomfortable silence. I bolted off the elevator and took the stairs for the next week. As I started to get lazy again, I began reintroducing the gliding people-carrier into my life. The silence, the comments, the eyes glued upwards, and my daily vow of stair-loyalty.. just routine. Topics of elevator interest include and are quite limited to: the weather, thank god it's friday, how many more hours in the day, how many more days in the week, the weather or a quick "hi how are you" as long as it's not presented as an actual question. Personally I prefer the silence. So, if you're ever in the elevator with me, please, just don't bother.

Strike a Pose

Sometimes I think I am too obsessed with how I look. This is embarassing to say because it seems so much cooler to not care. I try and tell myself I don't care what people think. And a lot of the time I don't. And in actuality I think my desire to be beautiful comes much more from an artistic standpoint than one of being concerned about my image. If that makes any sense.. What I mean is: I love fashion and art and style and beauty. I am an artist. While I do have a problem with the unrealistic physical standards projected onto women by the fashion industry (and let's not leave out the others responsible- Barbie, etc..), as an artist, I get it. The way the clothes drape across the boney silhouettes or flutter as if hung from 10 ft. poles. It's art, it's fashion. I love it. Because of this I often find myself dissatisfied with certain "curves" on my absolutely healthy and average, if not small, frame. You see, it's not because i want to wear a middrift top and show the world my six-pack, but rather achieve the look of skinny pants with a drapey top, or wear a retro dress that has a tapered waist, or pull off short hair, long hair, big hair. It's about versatility. Why do you think models look the way they do for the job they have? Their job is to sell clothes and they have to be a certain size to be able to make any and all designers' clothes look good and pull of any and all styles. This size just happens to be quite small. So, my point is that as a clothes and fashion lover, and since I dont have a professional model on hand to play dress up with, getting dressed in the morning is more to me than "what's the weather like?", it's expression and it's art. I've always been this way. I think I started dressing myself when I was 5.. Anyway, this is all fine and good but some flags have been popping up lately as I have noticed a shift in the depth of my concern. This "art" has become slightly more consuming and at times worrying and maybe even unhealthy. The difference is in moments when I look at myself in the mirror or in pictures and it doesn't look straight out of Vogue and that actually upsets me. THIS is wrong. Again, this is all embarrassing to admit but I feel like it is important for me to begin being honest with myself about it and since no one really reads this, it'll do.
My church is leading a womens' Bible Study on tuesdays (which I can't go to cause I work) called "No Other Gods". I wish I could go because that is what needs to be emphasized to me right now. Art is one thing and dissatisfation with myself, as a human child of God created in His image, is another. Here's where I get stuck though. Saying I'm beautiful because God thinks I am is about as helpful as my mother telling me I'm special. Thanks but I know you tell all your children that. And all mothers tell their children that and God tells all His children that. So we're all beautiful and special. Wow I feel so much better, don't you? See, I can tell myself all day what I "should" think and feel but I am just being very honest right now about the reality of my thoughts and feelings. And it is helping me to get this all out right now.. especially since i'm pretty sure no one reads this.. So, as I work this out, I think I see that there is a thin line between wanting the appearance of your body to participate in the art and expecting to look like Giselle. I consciously make decisions to sacrifice certain things for the sake of living a full life. You're not going to find me sitting at home in front of the mirror measuring my fat index while sipping ceyenne pepper and lemon; I'll be with my friends drinking beer. I may even have some greasy bar food if I am so inclined. I will also not be leaving early to get my beauty rest. Nope, if there are memories to be made, I'm in for the long haul. Also, a trait of mine since childhood. Therefor, in the morning, I will not be judging the dark circles under my eyes or the love handles that interrupt my attempt at a Vogue-worthy look. I will double up on concealer, pull on some Spanx and be thankful that I have such a full and happy life and amazing friends. And on certain days of the month.. I may just take down my mirror.

And The Winner Is...

Kate Lanphear

I won't pretend I haven't gotten this urge before but you know, I really think I might do it this time.. hmm... I need to find a really good hairstylist though cause I generally just have a friend do it.. sad I know. They are at least in hair school.. But I think I may actually pay for this one.. Maybe I could donate my hair too. That gives you an idea of how big of a deal this would be, my hair's pretty long. It'd be a fun change. And I would brighten up the red too. I'm gonna do it!
this is why i don't tell anyone about this blog, because i am fully aware that this would be boring to pretty much everyone. except maybe my mom..

Secret's out, i'm a girl

sooo.... I'm having a want-to-cut-off-all-my-hair moment..

(i realize this is my 4th post of the day, i'm sorry, i just have a very boring job.)

anyway, back to chopping off my hair, which i probably wont do, here are (more than) a couple ideas:
This is Sia, her music rocks too. I can't decide if this would look good on me though, but i think its adorable..

I think this one is my favorite:

Pretty sure if you look like this any hair cut looks good one you..

I seem to gravitate towards the blondes.. hey there's an idea.. maybe i'll go platinum! :)

nice.


Now.. for color? Let's be honest for a minute, i'm not gonna chop off my hair. BUT, i do want to liven up the color a bit so...
this maybe?

Weddings

What is the protocol on missing a friend's wedding? A good friend of mine is getting married this weekend in a different state and I just CANNOT afford to be there... We have been pretty close friends in the past but I don't see much of her anymore-because i now live in a different state. I've been procrastinating terribly dealing with telling her that i can't make it and now the wedding's this weekend! And last time I saw her she asked if I was going to be there and I said I'd try and she just looked at me sternly and like she was still waiting for my answer. Nervously, I revised it, "yes, I'll be there." "Great! I'm so glad." Um, hello? not made outa money here... So anyway, here I am, having given a verbal, though forced, RSVP, days away from the Love Fest and debating my options for my money as well as my friend. I'm sure she has many other things so worry about though than whether I am coming so I have that on my side.. Here are what I consider my options: Call her today and apologize or just send a wedding gift with a card.. eh? I dont know...

Here's the other wedding situation: Another friend, of a similar stature- friends for a long time, don't really see her anymore, is getting married on New Year's Eve and wants me to not only come but sing.. That's all fine and great and the good thing is that i really need to try and see my dad at some point over the holidays so that would work out but New Year's Eve?? man.. I've got people here to kiss you know? I'm sorry but that's just not my ideal way to ring in 2009- watching other people be in love. woo. BUT on the other hand, if I stay here I'll probably have to work so it'd be pretty anti-climactic anyway.. Anyway, I need to just accept the fact that I'll probably be spending my New Year's Eve with strangers and just hope for an open bar. and maybe a cute single boy who I'll never see again.. i'm sorry did i type that out loud? bad girl. But really, it could turn out to be a great New Years.. maaayybe i should try to get someone to come with me to Austin for it, that could be fun.. I can think of a couple possibilities... Ok, well after thinking all this out loud I think I realize what i need to do. Ooh and i could buy a new dress! Ok this won't be that bad afterall.

Box Wine

Judge if you must, but I think it's brilliant. 3 liters of wine for $10 and it doesn't taste like crap. And no air gets in at all so it lasts longer. I like to have a glass every now and then and it's perfect for that. So there. That is how I feel about box wine. In favor.

On the way to work I was listening to Radiohead and now I am listening to Feist, The Reminder, and both have satisfied me sufficiantly and enriched my day. I really like Feist's previous album, Let It Die, and I thought "1,2,3,4" was a cool song when it came out but i hadn't listened to the whole album. Apparently someone uploaded it to the computer i'm on at work, so now I shall see what it's all about. So far so good. I'm really feelin the song "My Moon, My Man".

I'm not going to talk about the election.

Well, i'll just say one thing, thank God it's over cause my head was about to explode from bullshit overload.

So, I think I need to rename this blog "The Sylvia Chronicles" cause pretty sure thats all i talk about now.. I promise I'm not usually like this, I'm not a freaky pet owner. Although my sister and I joke that i am a "cat mom".. Generally, she just does her thing and i do mine and sometimes we cuddle.. But now that she's gone it really sucks! Anyway, here's the story i was prefacing: Yesterday morning I get an email saying that someone found a grey cat downtown and he sent a picture and it looked almost exactly like Sylvie. I was so excited, but there were a few things that didn't completely fit with his description. And it would have been pretty far for her to travel in just a week.. But I went to see. And was disappointed. And am now back to clueless and guilty.

Still no Sylvie :(

No sign of her yet.. my cat, Sylvia, that is. She's been missing for a week today. I feel pretty hopeless about this whole thing even though people tell me "oh my cat was gone for 6 weeks and then came back", but why the hell would she want to do that and where is she?? I also have to admit to feeling a little guilty too. Because i think i don't have the time to really look for her, and i haven't completely halted my life for the search. I think I'm also avoiding grief. I'd really like to find her but if I'm not going to I really just want some closure. Is this silly? I know she's just a cat but you know you really get used to those little creatures and the silly little things they do to drive you crazy or make you smile.... Like how she would sleep til i woke up and then get up with me.. and she would sleep under the covers with her head out like a person.. and her meow, oh my goodness, annoying as hell... we always said she was a model kitty cause she was so petite and truley a pretty cat with beautiful green eyes and she always had this very alouf look on her face.

Well, to change the subject. Some crazy shit happened to follow up the Sally and Annie story. So crazy that even though this is an annonymous blog i'm still not gonna talk about it. I'll sumarize by saying large amounts of alcohol and some damaged relationships. How very unfortunate...

I'm only at work for 7 more minutes so my last comment will be that this was one great Halloween. I thought of a last minute costume and it was a HUGE hit. It was hilarious.. And my friend threw an amazing party and even though i had to get there very late because of work there were still a lot of people there and it was a freaking blast.. And there were some of the most politically incorrect costumes i've ever seen, we had mexicans, a jew, Jesus, some Arab guy...

ok, time's up.

I'm sick off candy corn.

I thought it would be fun to put candy corn out in a bowl on my desk for everybody but i'm pretty sure i've been the only one eating it.. and i think i'm getting a cavaty.

So, yay halloween.

I've always been a believer in making your own costume; growing up that's just what we did. That could be why i've had some pretty lame- i mean awesome costumes.. I was once a "Silver Girl". What is a silver girl? um, i have no idea. A girl.. that.. is silver? what a weird kid... and that year i definitely completely ate it while running from one door to the next in an intense effort to fill my sack with sugary treats. what a weird (fat) kid.

This year posed a few dilemmas (blogspot should have spellcheck* cause i can't decide in which order to put the e and the i in that word).. I am working the evening of actual halloween so i'll be getting off pretty late and won't know exactly when.. I'll still want to go to this party, though, that is happening at my old residence. But that meant that if i was going to dress up (and that's not really an "if") it'd have to be cheap enough that i wouldn't feel bad to only spend a little time in it and easy enough that i could get off, change and be at the party asap. So, i thought of what i had and decided to be a pin-up cause i had all i needed. although i did go to the store and buy stocking and eyelashes.. (ps, don't think this story is going to get anymore interesting cause it's not, my head is clouded by lack of sleep and too much candy) I had last night off and i thought i'd do a little pre-halloweening so i began to don my riske disquise and well, i was not feelin it. nope, it wasn't working. I felt fat and slutty- not what i was going for. So i employed one of the other ideas i had come up with and as i began to build the ensemble... magic. Here's the snapshot: hair in a messy top-of-the-head bun thing framed by big white shades, hoop earrings, green stiped tank top exposing a hot pink polka-dot bra, a 6 months pregnant (is not too far along to show off my tramp stamp) belly, cut off short shorts, and just before you get to the 1995 platforms- an ankle monitor. Now, if you think that sounds like a picture you recently saw of Britney Spears, you'd be correct, but the actual identity of the person i was impersonating was revealed on my mug shot sign: LAPD P55472 CYRUS. That's right, it was a costume/future prediction- "Miley Cyrus in 10 years". If nothing else, I thought it was funny.

Now let's move on to discuss some of the goings-on of last night's social scene. Or rather events that have been culminating and came to a bit of a head last night. Ok, here's an interesting scenario that i really shouldn't talk about but since no one reads this thing.. except maybe heather.. maybe.. (Hey Heath!) Here are the characters- Sally, Annie, Billy and Tommy, oh and Buddy. Billy and Tommy are besties. Sally and Annie are besties. Buddy is um, just a wrench. Annie and Billy are very close friends. Tommy really likes Sally and Sally accepts his liking and returns it most of the time. Mostly its a big happy circle of love. Then Sally begins to feel a pull towards Billy but banishes the thought (well, mostly) because she is not one to jump from one bestie to the other. She believes that when it comes to dating within a man-circle, listen to Eminem- "you only get one shot...". She doesn't realize that as she resists thoughts of Billy, Annie stirs the pot of her brewing passion for him and when she can't take it anymore, pours it out in a profession her undying love. Unable to deny their connection but torn by his desire for things to stay as they are, Billy confuses Annie with the juxtaposition of his words and actions. Then Buddy kisses Sally just to add last minute touches to the mess. In the end, the phrase "just friends" echos in all ears as Sally and Tommy finally end the in-between game and Annie lays down the law with Billy, demanding that he make a choice and let his actions reflect it. Sally turns her cheek to Buddy as he leans in, bravely, a second time. And they all live miserably after all.

*I discovered spellcheck later

Sylvia

I'm starting to get worried. But i'm trying not to think about it.
I haven't seen my cat, Sylvia, since i think it was monday afternoon.. maybe even monday morning.. I can't remember exactly when the last time i saw her was but i know she wasn't home monday night and i didn't see her all yesterday, last night, or this morning. There is of course the worst case scerario which i'm not going to think or speak of and then the more likely possibilities, which still aren't great- animal control (do they pick up cats?), somebody took her cause she doen't have a collar (refuses to wear one), or she's just on some crazy adventure and will come back tomorrow without a scratch. My sister/roommate (sismate/roomster) assures me that "cats do things like this" but she's just never been gone for more than like a day and a half.. I shouldn't start getting worried yet though... i'm sure she's fine..

This is her about a year ago.

She's a precious little monkey head. My neighbor and friend found her and i said i would take her. she was tiny! that was i guess about a year and a half ago..? She is solid gray, which is why i named her Sylvia (silver.. get it..), and has stayed very petite. She is very friendly and sweet but don't be fooled she's also quite feisty and sassy... I know i sound like a crazy pet-mom. The kind of people that i make fun of because they dress their pets up for halloween and speak about what they think or feel or like or dislike.. but alas, she's ma baby :) In actuality i'm not a crazy pet owner, i really just let her do her thing, go in and out as she pleases, and be an animal, not a child. which is probly why i am in this situation now..

Il Pleut Bleu en Jeudi

First of all, naming this thing is stressful. How am i supposed to know what to call my blog before i even start writing? It's like a newborn baby, we don't know each other yet, i have no idea what it's personality will be, what it will talk about, and especially not what name it will respond to. And on top of that stress there's the issue of the domain name, which of course has to correspond. Man, that was an ordeal.. After repeatedly settling on names that i deemed deep but light, meaningful but casual, personal but mysterious, only to find that someone had previously enjoyed the ring of the same phrase enough to allow it to umbrella everything they will have to say for the life of their blog and feeling decidedly unoriginal, i flung into the heading a random little french phrase that has been occupying precious memory space in my brain since 7th grade- Il pleut bleu en jeudi- which of course means 'it rains blue on thursday'. (thank you run-on sentence) Anyway, I took off the 'thursday' and now have a probably somewhat dreary little title that may perhaps inaccurately portrays me and this blog but that's fine because my mom told me that it's what's inside that counts and to never judge a blog by its title. I really just wanted to start a blog because i sit here at work all day with NOTHING to do except answering the phone when it rings about once every 30 minutes- "Good morning, how may i help you? ... Can i tell her who's calling? ... One moment." and done. That and, well, damnit i have things to say!
So shall we let the saying begin? alright then.

I had a dream last night that I was getting breast implants and then i was pregnant (apparently, subconsciously, i think those go hand-in-hand..) and then someone killed a shark. It was actually a pretty thrilling night last night in my brain. Perhaps the fact that i have yet to get the gas turned on in my new apartment and therefore am toughing out the temperature drop (which I am otherwise thrilled about) is having something to do with it. I don't know much about this kind of thing but i'm thinking something to do with circulation? bloodflow? to the brain? =whacked out dreams? i don't know..

I just wanna say a quick thank you to blogspot for continually saving this draft. I really appreciate that. I am now positive that i've chosen the correct venue to display my thoughts. It's the little things, you know?

Ok well, before i bring Entry #1 to a close, I'd like to outline a few things that you ("you"?) can expect to read about in upcoming blogs and also express my excitement for this anticipated relationship (even if only anticipated by the author).

(wow, i'm a dork.. please don't take me seriously.. unless i say "seriously.." then, i'm being serious. unless of course it's in a context that is obviously not serious. you will be trusted to use your discretion)

1. My broke-ness and my many creative but rarely implemented plans to lasso my financial situation
2. My new apartment that I am sharing with my sister and my overly ambitious decorating ideas (which include my crafting nearly half of the furniture- wha?)
3. My decorating ideas for other people (friends and "clients", yes that's right, I have a decorating business)
4. My music- I'm starting a new project with my sister- so sqaure one= writing, writing, writing! and naming ourselves (input?), perfecting the live show and then, taking the world by storm.
5. My family family and my friend family.. so many people to love.
6. God- our "wrestling"
7. Ideas and more ideas, plans and more plans- I am my father's daughter
8. Art, fashion, inspiration, expression, poems, books, music, life!
9. And maybe I'll even (reluctantly) say a word or two about romance. (*sigh*/gag me)

So that's what you have to look forward to.
I'll leave you with this: I bought some apples from an apple orchard yesterday and i am eating one of them right now with peanut butter but i'd kinda rather just be taking to the PB jar with a spoon.