Strike a Pose

Sometimes I think I am too obsessed with how I look. This is embarassing to say because it seems so much cooler to not care. I try and tell myself I don't care what people think. And a lot of the time I don't. And in actuality I think my desire to be beautiful comes much more from an artistic standpoint than one of being concerned about my image. If that makes any sense.. What I mean is: I love fashion and art and style and beauty. I am an artist. While I do have a problem with the unrealistic physical standards projected onto women by the fashion industry (and let's not leave out the others responsible- Barbie, etc..), as an artist, I get it. The way the clothes drape across the boney silhouettes or flutter as if hung from 10 ft. poles. It's art, it's fashion. I love it. Because of this I often find myself dissatisfied with certain "curves" on my absolutely healthy and average, if not small, frame. You see, it's not because i want to wear a middrift top and show the world my six-pack, but rather achieve the look of skinny pants with a drapey top, or wear a retro dress that has a tapered waist, or pull off short hair, long hair, big hair. It's about versatility. Why do you think models look the way they do for the job they have? Their job is to sell clothes and they have to be a certain size to be able to make any and all designers' clothes look good and pull of any and all styles. This size just happens to be quite small. So, my point is that as a clothes and fashion lover, and since I dont have a professional model on hand to play dress up with, getting dressed in the morning is more to me than "what's the weather like?", it's expression and it's art. I've always been this way. I think I started dressing myself when I was 5.. Anyway, this is all fine and good but some flags have been popping up lately as I have noticed a shift in the depth of my concern. This "art" has become slightly more consuming and at times worrying and maybe even unhealthy. The difference is in moments when I look at myself in the mirror or in pictures and it doesn't look straight out of Vogue and that actually upsets me. THIS is wrong. Again, this is all embarrassing to admit but I feel like it is important for me to begin being honest with myself about it and since no one really reads this, it'll do.
My church is leading a womens' Bible Study on tuesdays (which I can't go to cause I work) called "No Other Gods". I wish I could go because that is what needs to be emphasized to me right now. Art is one thing and dissatisfation with myself, as a human child of God created in His image, is another. Here's where I get stuck though. Saying I'm beautiful because God thinks I am is about as helpful as my mother telling me I'm special. Thanks but I know you tell all your children that. And all mothers tell their children that and God tells all His children that. So we're all beautiful and special. Wow I feel so much better, don't you? See, I can tell myself all day what I "should" think and feel but I am just being very honest right now about the reality of my thoughts and feelings. And it is helping me to get this all out right now.. especially since i'm pretty sure no one reads this.. So, as I work this out, I think I see that there is a thin line between wanting the appearance of your body to participate in the art and expecting to look like Giselle. I consciously make decisions to sacrifice certain things for the sake of living a full life. You're not going to find me sitting at home in front of the mirror measuring my fat index while sipping ceyenne pepper and lemon; I'll be with my friends drinking beer. I may even have some greasy bar food if I am so inclined. I will also not be leaving early to get my beauty rest. Nope, if there are memories to be made, I'm in for the long haul. Also, a trait of mine since childhood. Therefor, in the morning, I will not be judging the dark circles under my eyes or the love handles that interrupt my attempt at a Vogue-worthy look. I will double up on concealer, pull on some Spanx and be thankful that I have such a full and happy life and amazing friends. And on certain days of the month.. I may just take down my mirror.