How Sweet

I am exceptionally bored today. I'll pretend for the sake of this post that I don't know why. Must be something to do with Friday the 13th... Maybe I should watch a scary movie at my desk today! I tried to read. I can't focus on my book. I started reading this book months ago and it just couldn't hold my attention so I abandoned it for a while. I hate not finishing books though; i feel like they hang in the back of my mind. So I picked it up again a couple days ago and I still cannot seem to keep it going. I wouldn't say its boring... exactly.. but, um, maybe a little. yeah it's kinda boring. I have to finish it though. Today is not the day, however. I feel like a 6 year old with ADD. Normally writing is the one thing that I can get lost in and reach that happy "where did the time go" place. So here's hoping. (so far it's been.. 3 minutes. hmm.)

My friend, Lauren, who lives down the street from my old residence, called yesterday and said that she saw a cat that looked like Sylvia. Remember Sylvie? I haven't talked about her in a while but I still really miss her. I lost her shortly after moving to my new place. As I was going through the process of trying to find her, I heard all the pet-loss success and failure stories. "My cat came home after 6 months!" "Mine was stuck under the house for a week!" I heard that sometimes cats get lost in new surroundings and actually find their way back to the old house! So, I posted the signs, went to the shelters, searched the streets: no Sylvie. There was only so much that could be done. I do miss her. I promise I'm not like Angela on the office, but I really liked her. She was my little grey buddy! Anyway, Lauren said she saw a cat that looked like her but couldn't catch her. Now I've got it in my head that she found her way all the way back to East Nashville and right to my old street. I wonder though, if she was that close, why wouldn't she show up at the old house? My friends still live there and would recognize her. Hmm... up til now I had assumed that she was taken in by someone because she has no collar and is so sweet and friendly. I'd just be elated if I were to find her. Here's hoping.

I'm very happy right now. It actually makes me nervous how well things are going. First of all, Trudy Chase is moving along. We are practicing with both pianos now and can see the road very clearly. It's just a matter of taking the steps one by one, but we know we'll get there. It's very exciting to me. Musically, its exactly what I want to be doing and what I've wanted to be doing for a long time. I've finally put my finger on it. Also, in spite of myself I must mention, there's a man that has just come into my life that seems too good to be real. I like my job, for what it is. I am pleased with my daily life- happy to actually have time. Of course, I don't have any money but I don't care. I am more excited to be available to help my friends and family, to create art regularly, to participate in people's lives. It's satisfying me immensely in this time of my life. (And as a little side-note/update, my car is officially paid off TODAY!) I am happy. It makes me nervous. I am fighting with the fear (and the lie) that God will take things from me in order for me to "grow", or because it's not fair for so many people to be suffering and for me to be happy, or because that's just the way this roller coaster of a life goes.

The perception of God- that he wants to 'teach me a lesson'- is one of many I have that am reviewing and reforming. I've grown up being taught many things about the Creator. Many ideas have been ingrained in me so deeply that they would be the lines in a fingerprint of my soul. But now, at 23, I want to open myself up, untangle some of the webbings of who I am, sand away some of the callous and nourish my childishness. Who is God? Who do I believe him to be now, as an adult? One of the major issues that I am addressing is free will vs. free choice. In my opinion, this has a lot to do with who He is in my life.

I was recently presented with some information that almost literally shook my spiritual foundation. For a moment I felt like the walls were collapsing. Calling my mom for comfort only supported the likening of God to a baby blanket. I felt like a child- not in a barefoot, mud pie kinda way, but the way that I felt the night I got lost on my bike and it got dark. Terror and confusion. I was able to calm myself with reassuring logic (which is somewhat ironic) and can say that only a few of the shakers persist. There is a heaviness that remains, however, as aftermath, and a tenderness in certain places that I won't ignore. I have a few books in line to follow The Case For Christ, including one that will be quite opposite. But in my quest for truth I think it will be important to challenge myself with opposing views. Or maybe I just learned a lesson from how easily my foundation shook. To be honest, and I hate to conclude this way, but I've lost focus because someone just gave me the hugest cupcake I've ever had and a few finger-fulls of icing has my mind already going numb from the sugar. I'll have to continue on this subject later.

I think I just got a cavity.