Here.

Let me tell you what. Figuring out what to do with your life is hard. Especially because it doesn't pause for you to figure it all out.

Yesterday I was at my new job and I had a "why the hell am I here?" moment. Here's what I thought: Considering the fact that I'm not getting paid and it's taking up 2 full days a week, I could be going to school instead. I've been counting it a positive to be learning new things and making connections without having to pay- free school- but the difference is that no matter how much knowledge gets in my head and money stays in my pocket, I will not have that bullshit piece of paper to show poeple and say "look how much I know!" I don't think I care really but it's worth mentioning because it does cross my mind from time to time. The truth is though, the other designer that I work with has a degree in interior design and she started out for free just like me and I have to opportunity to move into a position just like the one she is in. So what is the difference? I'm not quite sure so I just keep wondering.

Should I rent a studio and spend my days making paintings that I sell for prices I can't believe people would pay just like the artist I visited yesterday? She's been painting for only 2 years; she rents a modest space with 3 other artist and to be honest, I'm better. Personality-wise, I think I'm more meant for locking myself away in a creative box, blaring music and getting paint all over my jeans. But you know what? you can hide away in a closet painting Picassos all day but if you don't know anyone but your starving artist cell-mates, then no one will buy them. So perhaps that is where I am right now. I am making connections in a world that I need.

Or maybe I need to be focusing on music. Maybe I just need to be focusing- on anything! Maybe I need to just forget about a social life. Maybe I need to work 24/7- painting, singing, writing, promoting, sewing, thinking, reading, studying, creating, never sleeping. Maybe, I should just start roaming the earth. Maybe I should learn the guitar. Maybe I should go overseas. Maybe- maybe- maybe- what if? what if? what if???

No matter how many what-ifs-per-second my mind is travelling at, I always land on this: I am here. I may want to be there but I am here. It's the 'how to live in the moment while working toward to future' dilemma. It's a tough one. I guess what it means to me right now is keeping an eye on what/who i want to be and where I want to go but also having a clear map of what it will take to end up there. Visualizing the connecting dots just as I visualize my end goal. Right now, I am going to stick out this internship and let it be what it will be. I know I can learn a lot and make a lot of connections here and so whether this or school is better for that is not important I suppose, because I'm not in school, I'm here.

I think I just lost my train of thought a little bit so I'm gonna end this ramble session.