Next, I'd really like to be in my bed right now. Oh how I would like to be sleeping instead of sitting at this desk. The damn phone is ringing off the hook. Someone just kill me now. It's gonna be one of those days. For sure.
Well, I guess I should take advantage of this mood and the rain and go for a little rant. does that sound like fun? It does to me. Ok, what shall we rant about today? Oh I know. Ok. This boy. I suppose we are dating, or something. He confuses and frustrates me. I like him, but I'm still waiting for something. Some romance. Something to make me feel giddy. I guess I should just let it go shouldn't I? I mean, 2 months and I'm still trying to coax some sparks out of wet matches. Still, its teetering on the edge and I can't make myself just give up on it just yet, even though it's clearly lacking. It's like searching for a word thats on the tip of your tongue. Yes, it's just like that, and just as frustrating. But it's just right there and you know you're about to think of it! You see, I enjoy hanging out with him, I like things about him, and who [I think] he is, but it doesn't feel like how I think it should, or how it has felt in the past. I suppose someone reading this would be like, um, obviously it's not working and you need to move on, but you don't understand... it's really on the tip of my tongue! That's the best description I can think of. It's so close and I'm not ready to give up on it. (I just re-read this and I would like to go back and touch on the "something to make me feel giddy" part.) You see, I felt that in the beginning. I was super excited when I met him and I was all about it. I was ready to dive in- I wanted to find out who he was and where he came from and share things with him and just, well, you know, fall.. That's how I am- I'm an artist, I am passionate, I am obsessive. If I hear a song I like, I will listen to it on repeat literally for days. One song. Over and over. When I see something I like- I- I love it! I mean I go crazy for it! (The Notebook, anyone?) Anyways, that's how I am but he's obviously not that way. When the initially appealing formality of the first date continued through the next couple weeks, my passion began to feel incredibly suppressed by what was turning into cordial monotony. He's.. not as alive as I would like. Maybe I can wake him up. Even as I write this I am torn directly down the middle. directly. I keep expecting one side to take over but I am rewarded no clarity. none. Something will have to give eventually right? Maybe being in the middle is just as well as hating the guy. Who wants to be in the middle when it comes to love? But what is the force making me hang on, just to see? just in case.
Moving on to other things. I had some strange dreams last night.. I don't really feel like trying to recount... It would be very hard to describe. Aaron was in it though, he was home for a couple days. And there was a very strange part with two different old flames.. They kept sort of switching places.. thats all that is really translatable (is that a word?)
I finished a painting yesterday.. wanna see? Ok, here it is-
It's charcoal and acrylic.. from an old photograph of my grandmother.
Over share of the day: So, fiber is good for you right? digestive system.. all that good stuff. Well, let me tell you, I don't usually drink coffee- I normally go for tea. Some days, however, like today, just require it. I take 2 sips though and I'm in the bathroom. I mean, if you wanna talk about digestive health? Coffee really does the job, when it comes to cleaning me out. haha. ok, I'm done.
You know one song that DOES NOT get old to me? Imogen Heap, Hide and Seek. I know its on every indie soundtrack ever and I've heard it millions of times (it was one of those that i played on repeat for probly a week straight)- but I still absolutely love it. I am listening to a mix I made probly a year ago. A mix for when I wanted to mope about lost love. I'm not moping about lost love today I just really like a lot of the songs on it. It has Hide And Seek as well as some other gems such as You Are Mine by MuteMath, The Special Two by.. (oh what's her name.. can't think of it), I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon.. something (damnit, i'm not doing very well on this..) Anyway.. oh yeah- Heath! Brandon Heath. good song. Oh and The Astronaut Suit, 40 days, check it out.
I feel especially suppressed today. I generally feel that way, just kinda as a rule. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I'll try and explain. I feel like a caged animal. haha, no really! There is this crazy aimless-earth-roaming hippie inside of me that is so squelched its almost painful sometimes.. I don't really know what to do about it. I am trying to make things happen in my life, but in order to do that I can't appease my whims to just get up and go. I am working, to pay off debt, and try to save money, and pursue things that I think will eventually appease my appetite- in the proper way. The proper way being something like getting my shit together and taking my music on the road, or getting a song cut so that I am financially free to do some of the things that I want. You know, just generally making a living doing something that I actually care about and something that is actually lasting. (re-reading to make sure any of this makes any sense at all.... ok, let me try again-)
Examples of what I want to do: 1. Get in my car and drive to Louisiana and to meet up with Aaron and then go with him to NY- just for the hell of it. 2. Take all my money and buy a ticket to Ireland and go hang out with Kacie. 3. Drive to Texas. 4. Sell my shit and start wandering around.
What I need to be doing/what I will do instead: 1. Continue sitting here, racking up the $12/hour. 2. Go home and write songs, practice and work. 3. Stay home and save my money.
Someday it will pay off. I will be financially free to do what I want and I can roam the earth without being a homeless person. Maybe I can do some good while I'm at it (have you noticed how much fun I am having with the italics today?)
Ok, you see why this post is entitled 'Blah Blah Blah'? Cause I am definitely blah blah blah-ing today. But its actually really making me feel a lot better. Very therapeutic- this whole writing my thoughts and feelings thing. Thank you for listening, Blogspot.
No comments:
Post a Comment