A couple things

First of all, my stitches come out this afternoon and I'm a little nervous for several reasons. 1) It doesn't seem like they're ready to come out. It looks the same and it still hurts and is very sensitive. 2) I'm afraid they will somehow be able to tell that I didn't follow the rules.. "what in the world have you been doing?? this looks horrible! You didn't do any physical activity did you?!?" 3) I can't see completely cause it's on my back, but it almost looks like skin has grown over one of the stitches. That's gross and seems like it could be a problem in getting them out.. Yikes! In general, I'm just worried cause I don't know what it's supposed to look like, feel like, etc. so for all i know it could be healing terribly! I'm sure it's fine though.. I think.. anyway, I guess we'll find out at 2:40 today.


So, that last post was just a silly little "poem" that I wrote just now cause i was thinking about that phrase "get your hopes up" and how descriptive it is. How it feels like you're holding a big helium balloon and if you let it go, its all over, there's no bringing it back down. You know the feeling. Maybe there's a possibility of a promotion and you find yourself picturing it and then you tell yourself to stop cause you'll get too excited and possibly dissappointed. OR, and this is what actually spurred the thought for me, maybe there's a guy... :) (or girl) And maybe they said something that made your mind want to race down the path of what-ifs and picture things you shouldn't picture and imagine things you shouldn't imagine.. But you're holding that balloon tight, checking thoughts that start to head in that direction. You're doing so well, you're so even, level, in control and then- something happens- a word, a touch, a thought- that tips the scale and trips your feet and find yourself lying on the ground, empty handed, watching those hopes float up and up and up and out of sight and you know that there is no recovering from this now. You're in. You see it. You want it. You can taste it. But you don't have it. Yet. You just really HOPE it happens.


The last thing that I wanted to write about today is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm not even sure what to say about it. I've written bits about it before. It's one of those situations that you ask advice on but no one can advise you. There is no correct answer or formula to follow for the best possible results. If any answer exists it is within you and no one else can find it. Some of my cousil though has led me to a point where i think i want to write a letter. I've heard its good to write a letter without the intent to send it, just to get it out. I wrote another post before called "Two Letters" where I tried to do that. But now i feel like i need to revise it. (The first letter of that post, by the way, i sent. no reply. i think that is a good enough response.)
SO, let's brainstorm, what do i want to say to him...

I think about you all the time. I have still not met anyone like you. I want to know that you are happy and that you don't think about me. If that's true, then i'll let this go.

That's simple, but i really think thats it. i need closure. I don't want to say i need closure though, cause i don't want it to be closed, sometimes i just want it to be reopened..

I'm sorry this isn't making a lot of sense probably. this is a therapeutic post. i'm trying to just splatter feelings and thoughts across the page just to get them out. see what they look like. They look like splatter.