Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

I had another dream about him. This one was especially cruel. I don't remember it all exactly but we were in love again. He had some new hippie friends and we all climbed up on this giant loft bed and hung out. Then he and I were laying around smoking cigarettes, which is funny cause neither of us smoke. That was the part right before I woke up so I remember that best but I know that there was a lot more. It was just nice. To be in love with him again. We were giddy. We didn't talk much, just smiled at each other.

damn it all.

Speaking of love, my friends got engaged yesterday. I think I'm happy for them.. ? It makes me wonder- I know I've always had a bad attitude towards marriage. My parents were married young and got divorced and did an excellent job of instilling in me a fear of all things love and commitment. My first reaction to this kind of news is generally a sigh and head shake. Why though?? Is it because we are young? Is it because I'm 23 and I've already seen engagement break-ups, infidelity and divorce among my peers?? Or in this case specifically is it a reaction to the weird feeling in my stomach that tells me this is not right for these two. I really don't know. But I do feel strange about this one. I'm not sure I'm buyin. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself last night that he was happy about it. But what do I know?

Let's go back to me for a second, since it is my blog. Let's look at 3 men on my mind these days: Should be, Would be, and Could be (also called the ghosts of relationships past, present and future).
Should be, well, we should've been. I should've realized what I had. If the universe is ever to fall back into place, then he and I should be. It's simple. Like puzzle peices. It just should be.
Would be- he would be good. He would be fun, he would be nice, he would be good. But he would be settling. He would be 85%. And that's not enough.
Could be- He makes me wonder; he makes me excited. What could be makes me think someday I could get over what should be. But we'll have to wait and see. It could be wishful thinking. But it could be.

And there you have it.