Review This Mother F*****

So, the New York Times wrote a review on my brother's band and well, read it for yourself, but I thought it was a rambling, ignorant piece of shit so I decided to write my own review of his review. Here it is:


Long before he was mashing out censures composed of unnecessarily lengthy and complicated sentences, valuable only in their ability to impress English teachers and expose an illicit affair with a thesaurus, the leach-like Jon Caramanica was himself the suffering victim of musical critique. With his dreams obliterated beyond repair, he burned his guitar and began tearing though his record collection, devouring all traces of optimism and joy and spewing forth malevolent masterpieces of critical literature.

His affinity for decimating wide-eyed innocence through the use of big words was the main inspiration for his latest piece, entitled "What's to Love About Theft?" His ability to transform the written word into a sword with which to slash the tender, green hope of young bands goes beyond mere emasculating parallels with 13 year-old girls: "'You to Miss' wouldn’t have sounded out of place on the recent 'Hannah Montana: The Movie' soundtrack", but reaches further into the depths of literary repression, to the true art of inducing despondency- a blase, uninterested tone and an overall feeling that you fall right into the devastating middle ground- perfectly luke-warm.

I struggle to find a flaw in this master of dream-draining, this artist of ambition abolition, but if I must critique I will indicate a minor imperfection- he seems to lack the instinct to actually listen to the music placed before him before he begins to thread together SAT words with commas and colons and impressive compound punctuation. This is made apparent in his final paragraph when he speculates the meaning behind "Slow Down" (the first line of the song addresses itself to a personification of life).

In the end, I give two enthusiastic thumbs up to this arresting piece of critical and literary sculpture. I hope he sent a copy to his AP English teacher. KATIE BANDAS