Here's the deal.

So, you already know that I don't work at that desk job anymore... well, that would be the reason for my not posting in almost a month.. and ya know? i really don't have anything to say right now in particular.. I just felt like i should post SOMETHING..

I guess I could tell you about how my life currently sucks.. Well i really don't feel like going into detail but basically neither my boyfriend nor I can legally drive right now. And we're both broke and being charged out of our assholes to regain the priviledge. We're trying to think positively though. It's only going to go up from here.

Life is GOOD

I've been a bad blogger because my boring job, the one I used to do most of my blogging at, is no more.. I'm on to bigger and better things! So, good for me, bad for my blog.. I suppose there are some updates: New job is good, boy is wonderful, music is moving along- we took pics this past weekend so STAY TUNED to see them! they are gonna be awesome.. cause our friends, Be Speshl Photography did an amazing job! -we also have a meeting tomorrow that could lead to some good things..
so yeah! life is good!

more to come!

xoxo

Thoughts on Humans

I was just thinking about the extraordinary machines that we are and all we are collectively capable of. Creating, Loving, Killing, Genius, Ignorance, Hate.. This morning, I correspond with a friend who is tearing his own life apart and feel utterly helpless to save him from his cyclone of drugs and pain and fear. A moment later, I travel to behance.net and am deeply inspired by several artists' works ranging from the design of the new Infiniti car to a graphic artist's final project in school to a photographer's capture of a collection of clothes. My absolute favourite (glamorous spelling) today is a simple study of "birds on a wire". Make me a scary face.

Crazybeautiful. This life is crazybeautiful. one word.

Plan B

OK, this isn't the kind of plan B that is just in case plan A doesn't work, nor is it emergency contraceptive. This is an idea that is following the original plan and to be honest, its gaining on it. It may very well pass it up. But then again, it may very well fall flat on its face. Plan B (an abridged version, because this is idea is so bad A that you'd steal it, I know you): Live here-

-and sell my sister's, our friends', and my art and things out of the store front Its a live work space. You see in the picture that garage door across from the kitchen island? It works. It opens up to a communal courtyard. AMAZING. If you know me then you understand how this makes my heart flutter- I'd live outside if I could. Then also, in the same complex, there is a huge open space thats not built out that we would get for cheap because of that. We and a few friends would rent the two spaces as one unit and we would all share the benefits of both spaces- including the facilities. We would all have office space, a store front, space to play music, paint, film, have concerts, parties, entertain, and realize a vision that Aaron and I have had for a while, which is the big picture idea that I'll leave out. Tah Dah! So, now I wait for by go-betweens to go between and see if they will accept our offer. eee!

A Plan

I may or may not be really hyped up on coffee. But nonetheless. I have a plan. It goes like this:

October- lease is up, spend the month saying goodbye to my lovely apartment
November- Move out and into my parents garage, saving money
December- buy space heater, happy birthday to me, keep saving money!
January-February- It's effing freezing but I've saved up 2000 bucks!
March- Finishing up getting the EPs and merch ready for Europe, $2500 saved
April- Sell car, $8000 in the bank, get on a plane, fly to the other side of the pond
May- playing shows, selling merch, loving life
June- Land on NY, stay.

Maybe. Maybe not. But maybe...

Breaking Down and Rebuilding

Shortly after that last post I had a little bit of a break down. I think you could call it that. It started coming on one evening slowly. I couldn't tell exactly what I was feeling. I was stressed and irritable and frustrated but I couldn't pinpoint a cause. Then, that night, the floodgates opened and I realised- that's all I really needed, a good cry. It was such a release. And a relief! My poor boyfriend though.. probably thought I was crazy.. Normally I prefer to have my emotional breakdowns in private but hey, what can you do? Thank goodness he loves me :)

I'm very focused and driven most of the time. I'm very goal-oriented. But I think everyone just gets weighed down from time to time. I am working very hard right now on a lot of different things- I'm painting (just sold my first 2 paintings last week), working on music with my sister (just played our first show last weekend), working 3 days a week at the only job thats making me a steady, though meager, income, and working/interning 2 days for an interior designer. I am also trying to devote some time to making clothes which has been something I've wanted to do for a while now. Then of course there's the new relationship and well, just life- I haven't worked out in I-don't-know-how-long and my house is a mess. BUT, I'm not complaining because this is a decision that I made- to go for it all at once- and I know my hard work will pay off, it already has begun to. I will say that having to ignore calls from collection agencies because I know I don't have a dime to give them, avoiding cops on the road because my tags have been expired since April, and borrowing money from my dad to get my phone service reconnected on top off all of this- not fun. I just get tired sometimes. I get tired of working my ass off and still being ass-broke. *sigh* But I know this is just a phase of my life and I will reap the benefits of my investments sooner or later. My vote is for sooner.

Anyway, I am feeling energized again after my little episode of exhaustion and I'm ready to hit the ground running.

*** I actually wrote this post last week but my computer here at work sucks and so it wouldn't post. So I had saved it to try again later. Today it worked but now its outdated. So just know that a couple things have changed- I got a little money, got my tags renewed, sold another painting (to my mom, but still..) and am generally just feeling better about life.

Jack of all trades, master of none.

I am an amateur painter, a wannabe rockstar, an unlicensed interior "decorator", an all bite and no bark do-gooder, a failing vegan, an ill-equipped photographer, an irregular exerciser with love handles, an unfocused intellectual, a here-and-there clothing designer, an inconsistent songwriter. Good but not the best, ideas without direction, talent without training, endless potential. potential, potential, potential.

But how long can I be the girl on her way, before I'm just the woman who never got there?

...

Happy Things

My BFFWB and I drove a Uhaul from Louisiana to TN yesterday and it was glorious. Glorious I tell you. Not only am I pretty sure I could scoop poop all day with him and still have the best day of my life but we spent a good 5 hours coming up with and discussing a brilliant plan. I can't say much (actually I could but it feels very important to pretend its some sort of secret- heather, call me) but I will tell you it involves music, a video camera, and Europe.
So, as far as music goes, that is what I am working towards. It doesn't change much of what I was already focusing on with Trudy Chase. We are still working on getting a good set solidified and getting our musicians together, booking some shows and getting merch. Now we just add to that saving for a trip to Europe.

Other happy things from this past week include spending the weekend in New Orleans (hence the driving back from New Orleans) and some delicious developments with the job situation.

First of all- New Orleans was an amazing time.

What a cool city. It certainly has a dark side though. You can feel it. It's like that hot guy with the bad boy image, only he ain't no James Dean, he's the real deal, he's real trouble. That's N'awlins. But hey, one night can't do any harm huh? We went down to Bourbon Street on Saturday night. We had some absolutely sinful Cajun food and daiquiris and sang karaoke.. it was delightful. Then, Sunday, we spent by the pool until it got too hot and we went out for [veggie] burgers and chocolate shakes. When we got back, Aaron and I watched the sun fade, reducing the color palate of our world to blue and gold. Then at the exact right moment, we were showered with one of those perfect southern summer storms. We watched the rain and then went and got some beer. Perfect little mini-vacation.

On the job front, I put together my portfolio and showed my boss and she loved it! LOVED it! So what started as an "internship" and then turned into my training for a position as "art consultant" has now become "Katie, I'm going to try and use your art in every one of my jobs. And if I need something that you don't have, I'll just have you paint it. Let's see, this one we'll price at $600.. this one $800.. this one, hm, about $1200.." HA! yessssss!!!! So, now it's time to paint paint paint paint paint cause I gots some money to make!

I can't remember what all I've put up here but here's one I've recently finished:

That is one of the ones for sale (anyone?? ha) It's actually a pretty difficult thing to start selling these peices.. I love them all! I decided to keep one though. I'm keeping my favorite one. But it will still be hard to see the ones of my sister and my grandma go.. I really honestly can't think about it too much. In fact I'm going to stop talking about it right now.


So, in conclusion, happy freakin times up in here.







Oh and one last thing...



:)

The Cat Days of Summer

Well good Monday morning to you people. I hope your weekend was as great as mine. I'm sorry to say though that I'm fairly positive it wasn't- because mine was pretty untouchable. It's ok though, don't feel bad, i just got lucky.. I think I won the weekend lottery. It could happen to you someday! If you keep yourself open.. Weekend jackpot, however, means shitty Monday. So you can at least be happy if you are wide awake without bruises, sunburned skin and yawns that make it difficult to function normally. No such luck for me. But I'll take it; it's a small price to pay. Here's the story- I'll start with Friday morning...


I wake up at 8 to be at an interview at 10:15. My normal get-ready time is about 15 minutes but once I open my eyes this morning, my mind begins racing and I struggle to keep my nerves at bay. I need to get dressed, eat, and put together my portfolio. I arrive at the Icon building just in time and meet with the girls from JL Design. Barely into the interview, I am asked if I am aware that the first three months of the internship is unpaid. I try to hide my surprise, shock and horror but I'm fairly positive I'm unsuccessful.

"Are you ok with that?" She asks.

Huh? What?? No!

"Uh.. ok, yeah, yes.."

Damn it.

We proceed. I am very honest with them. They love my portfolio. After we're done, she gives me a hug and asks if I want to lay out by the pool with them. I have a good feeling about the interview.

I go transfer phone calls for four hours and I'm out at 4:59. Ha. Take that, man.

It's happy hour. It's made an even happier hour with the phone call offering me the internship. I join some co-workers at Chili's and celebrate with two-for-one wine. This is a very pleasant start to an unsuspecting weekend. I convince one of them to join me for a friend's birthday party and we're off in his car, leaving mine to camp out in the parking lot for the next 2 days. We grab some booze, a sister and our swimsuits and make our way.

We arrive at a house that is entirely too nice to be any of ours (my friend is house-sitting - don't worry she got permission to have a party). We enter the gate and I swear I hear an angelic "ahhhh" as I gaze upon the glittery pool and its amenities. We crank the music and begin to fill the hot tub with bodies, Sesame Street Count style- 5 pretty party people, 6 pretty party people, 7...8... 15! 15 pretty party people! ah ah ah... And thus begins the debauchery. You can imagine how the evening played out.. Not too many different outcomes for the hot tub + half naked people + booze equation. It was indeed a magical mess. At who knows what hour, when we're all pruney and drunk, we slowly disperse in search of beds, sofas, corners and crevices to claim.


9am. Good morning! Though I'm sure I've only had a few hours of sleep, the thought of the sun beating down on those lonely pool chairs is one I can't bear. Armed with a redhead-sized bottle of SPF 30, I make my way out to keep one company. One by one, I see sleepyheads squinting in the sun as they emerge. We spend the rest of the day like cats- napping in the sun, eating, playing, eating and napping some more.

In the evening, we take the baby blue convertible VW bug (she's car-sitting too) out to Arrington Vineyards and continue our cat-like behavior on a blanket on a hill looking out over the beautiful Tennessee country-side and listening to jazz. This makes the 2 hour wait for the wine tasting bearable, if not preferable. Now, when it comes to wine, I love the good stuff, but I settle for the cheap stuff. So, I'm swirling and I'm smelling and I'm tasting and it's all very lovely and they pour my last choice- a raspberry wine.

"Take a sip," he says, "then wait a minute and I'll give you a chocolate truffle to taste with it." I take a sip; I bite the truffle; I take another sip. Oh. My. Goodness. Are. You. Serious. Am I blushing? This actually feels inappropriate to be doing in public. Wow. I think I need a cigarette...

We're back on the blanket and the heat is finally being replaced by the kind of soothing breeze that only a clear summer night can produce. Our sun-burned skin is thankful as we watch the culprit sink behind trees and the blue sky darken.

When it reaches navy, we haul ourselves back the world of concrete and neon for, you guessed it, more drinking. We fill ourselves with too much beer and unidentifiable fried things before making it back to our weekend home we've named "the commune".

Into the hot tub we fall once again. Even less clothed than the night before, we channel middle school days and MTV Real World for a game of truth or--

CENSORED

--white light coming through the blinds. I feel like I've been sleeping in a cloud and I never want to move. I check my phone. It's broken. I close my eyes.


I hear laughing, dogs barking, techno music. I remember where I am and stretch my legs in my cloud. I blink my eyes open and see the beautiful smiling faces of friends. I check my phone. It's broken.

"What time is it?" Oh my, I sound like a man..

"11:30! get your ass up!" You don't have to tell me twice! I spring from my cloud, rub my eyes and throw my swimsuit on. The hardwood of the deck is warm on my bare feet as I venture outside to a scene that is becoming remarkably familiar. I yawn and smile at my friends. It's day two of eating, napping, swimming, sunning, grilling, singing, dancing, loving... oh heavenly day. Today, we grill. Publix, here we come. I grab the first shirt, shorts and shoes I can find and jump into the bug without opening the door (as far as I'm concerned that's the only way to get into a convertible).

I'm squeezing a delicious-looking mango in the produce section when I become painfully aware of the ridiculousness of my attire- a wife beater, my high school gym shorts- with my bathing suit strings sticking out of the top, and black shiny high tops. This is all complete with a hastily pulled up ballerina bun directly on top of my head. I catch a stare from a cardigan-clad soccer mom and smile.

We get back to the commune with 5 bags of deliciousness and fire up the grill, though we could probably just set everything in the sun for a bit it's so hot. We make kabobs with peppers and pineapple and mushrooms and zucchini (and several varieties of dead animals for the meat-eaters) We dip blue tortilla chips in salsa and hummus. There is macaroni salad and some kind of really awesome banana bread and watermelon and pie.. mm mm mm.. it's an exquisite spread. Soon we are full to the brim and leave the flies to the tiny leftover bits as we drape ourselves over the lawn furniture and drift into food comas. We are in and out of cat naps as the end is drawing near.

Eventually, the dreaded is here. It is inevitable. I pack up my stuff and wave goodbye to the commune.

I'm still groggy when I get back to my real home. My short evening plays out like this- I do a little cleaning, a little mental-sorting, throw a movie on and am asleep by 10. I dream of flying on the backs of butterflies. Not really. That was the only made up part of this story. The rest was real. Real and really glorious.

Glorious, glorious weekend.

First comes love, then comes Europe

I've been a bad bad blogger... when was my last post? like 2 weeks ago? my oh my... It's been one of those moments where there is too much going on to focus in on any one thing with any amount of coherency. I'll attempt to give a little update.

We'll start with the good. I have been pushing really hard again to get some things going. First of all, I need to be making more money- I haven't even paid my rent for this month yet. So I've been whoring my skills and abilities on Craigslist as usual and have gotten some bites this time. I have spoken with a couple people about doing some singing for them, which is great- session work would be a beautiful gift to me right now. I met with a guy about watching his little 3-year-old and I think I'll probably start that in about a week. I've been painting and I think I'm almost ready to put my stuff up somewhere so I've been talking with couple people about that. I also have an interview with an interior design company that I am incredibly excited (and nervous) about. I also plan on taking my resume to all the interior design companies in Nashville along with a letter I wrote if this one doesn't work out. And lastly, my friend asked me to join his cover band which I think would be really fun. You see, so many things are on the verge.. It's a little overwhelming but I've learned that you have to cast a wide net so I'm sure that once everything plays out, some things will work and others will fall through and hopefully I'll be left with a nice amount of goings-on. These are my efforts to get a little more income flowing without comprimising the track that I'm on- that is the pursuit of creative, inspiring things. What I don't want to have happen is that I end up working fulltime on things that are not moving me forward- i.e. receptionist-ing and babysitting for 40 hours a week. I really feel like I'm making progress right now and thats too much time lost.

The bad things that have been occupying my time are some health issues.. I don't really wanna talk about it too much but I'll just say that my body seems to be freaking out on me and I have no idea why. Started the whole thing off with a UTI and its been one random ailment after another.. now I have 2 big canker sores on the inside of my lip and I swear my lip is swelling because of them. This morning I felt like I was gonna throw up.. that coulda been cause I didn't eat breakfast.. I don't know.. I guess the canker sores could be stress? Anyway, its not been fun, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

So, back to life-y stuff, I have had 2 conversations recently- with Aaron and with my mom- about my ultimate goal and my idea of "success" and I been really doing some reevaluating. Also, in my discussion with my mom I kindof nailed down the 4 things that I am interested in pursuing in my life, they are, in a somewhat particular order: Music (as an artist-writing, playing, singing, performing), Visual Art, Interior Design, and Fashion. And of course, I didn't know where to stick this on the list because I'd like it to be incorporated into everything, but I'd like to serve people. I want my music and art to help people in some way and I also want to use my success to further causes that I believe in.

So, I've been thinking about long-term and short-term goals and here are some ideas- first of all, here is a picture of what I'd like my life to look like right now: Working 25 hours a week as an assistant to an interior designer, selling my paintings at galleries and coffee shops, doing vocal work here and there- sessions and bgv stuff, playing with the cover band (which is good money and practice!), playing shows with Trudy Chase and making clothes as the last priority but just to keep it going then maybe by next year I'd have enough to have a line in Naked Without Us. So that would last for the next year and would build up to next summer when Meredith and I leave for our Europe tour. :) I mean, it sounds like a damn good plan to me.. Then we tour Europe with Trudy Chase for the summer and well, from there, I guess we become international superstars what else? :)

Brilliance

So, I was talking with this girl yesterday and together we happened upon brilliance. sheer brilliance. Here is our idea:

Rent is a big waste of money right? What if, for the spring/summer season- or whenever the weather is nice- you lived out of your car? It's so nice outside and just 4 months of not paying rent would pay of one of my biggest debts! 4 months may be a little long but even 2 months would cut it in half. Or, if you didn't have debt, you could quickly save up for something, or jump start your savings, OR even save up a chunk to start investing! Then you could just keep growing this small amount of money (if you knew what you were doing) and become rich and people would ask you how you did it and you would say: I slept in my car for the summer.



I've taken this idea and thought about how I could adapt the concept to something a little more realistic for my life. That would be a combination of living in my parents garage, couch-surfing, and sleeping in my car. I think doing this from, say, April to June (or even July) would be reasonable. You couldn't really tell people what you are doing; you'd have to make it seem like you were in between houses or something, or they may feel it is unfair for them to be paying rent and you sleeping on their couch for free. I think I know enough people though that the couch part would be very spread out and no one would feel like I was abusing their generosity. Here's a more detailed plan: I move out and ask my parents if I can keep some stuff in their garage. Hopefully they say yes but I can also rent a storage unit for some of my furniture (this may come in handy for sleeping one day), I would inform my parents of my plan and offer my services as a babysitter and random task do-er in exchange for them putting up with my silly plan. They should be ok with this because they are among those that will be paid back. One of the things that I thought would be an issue would be my keyboard- i have to have a place to write music and practice. This is solved by leaving it set up in the garage where I would practice with my drummer who just happens to be my step-dad. bam. I keep a suitcase in the car so that I have what I need wherever I end up spending the night. I would join the YMCA which would only be like $20 a month cause I make jack shit. I could shower and change and stuff there. Here is an example of what a typical week would look like for me: Monday: work til 5, volunteer to babysit for my parents earning me a night's stay (indoors!) and a meal. Tuesday: breakfast at mom's, run errands, go shopping with the money that i'm not paying in rent (just kidding, that money is all going towards productive things, plus- i have no closet), go to a show or something fun, sleep in my car. Wednesday: get up early and go to the gym, shower and dress for work there, go to work, get off work at 5, go hang out with Pricilla and crash at her place. Thursday: roam around during the day, take my laptop to Fido, get work done, and back to the rents' house that night, practice some music and sleep in the garage. Friday: go to work, off at 5, and party! The possibilities are endless for the weekend. It's entirely acceptable to crash at a party site so if there's a fun party going on then I'd do that. There's also camping which is fun, or visiting someone in a close-by city. Weekends are also a good time to go play some shows outside of Nashville. Saturday: continue with fun weekend plans. stay at some one's house, or in car. Sunday: church, go out to lunch, hang out at the park, gym for shower, dinner at parents and sleep in the garage or the car.

See? Piece of cake! And the best part of it all- my life becomes quite exciting!

Here's the biggest problem with making this a reality: My lease is up in October.. Not the best time to do this kind of this cause it will be getting cold- summer is definitely the best. I couldn't sign a short enough lease to be out in time for the next summer though.. herein lies the biggest glitch in the fantastically flawless plan. So, what may end up happening is that I just do it for the month of October until the garage gets too cold. That's better than nothing and I could still save a good 800 bucks.

I hope you don't think I'm kidding. No, I'm gonna do it. And it will be awesome.

blah blah blah (The 'Monday's on a Wednesday)

First of all, I'd like to say that I don't get Twitter. Someone please enlighten me. I just don't know what it is or does. thanks.

Next, I'd really like to be in my bed right now. Oh how I would like to be sleeping instead of sitting at this desk. The damn phone is ringing off the hook. Someone just kill me now. It's gonna be one of those days. For sure.

Well, I guess I should take advantage of this mood and the rain and go for a little rant. does that sound like fun? It does to me. Ok, what shall we rant about today? Oh I know. Ok. This boy. I suppose we are dating, or something. He confuses and frustrates me. I like him, but I'm still waiting for something. Some romance. Something to make me feel giddy. I guess I should just let it go shouldn't I? I mean, 2 months and I'm still trying to coax some sparks out of wet matches. Still, its teetering on the edge and I can't make myself just give up on it just yet, even though it's clearly lacking. It's like searching for a word thats on the tip of your tongue. Yes, it's just like that, and just as frustrating. But it's just right there and you know you're about to think of it! You see, I enjoy hanging out with him, I like things about him, and who [I think] he is, but it doesn't feel like how I think it should, or how it has felt in the past. I suppose someone reading this would be like, um, obviously it's not working and you need to move on, but you don't understand... it's really on the tip of my tongue! That's the best description I can think of. It's so close and I'm not ready to give up on it. (I just re-read this and I would like to go back and touch on the "something to make me feel giddy" part.) You see, I felt that in the beginning. I was super excited when I met him and I was all about it. I was ready to dive in- I wanted to find out who he was and where he came from and share things with him and just, well, you know, fall.. That's how I am- I'm an artist, I am passionate, I am obsessive. If I hear a song I like, I will listen to it on repeat literally for days. One song. Over and over. When I see something I like- I- I love it! I mean I go crazy for it! (The Notebook, anyone?) Anyways, that's how I am but he's obviously not that way. When the initially appealing formality of the first date continued through the next couple weeks, my passion began to feel incredibly suppressed by what was turning into cordial monotony. He's.. not as alive as I would like. Maybe I can wake him up. Even as I write this I am torn directly down the middle. directly. I keep expecting one side to take over but I am rewarded no clarity. none. Something will have to give eventually right? Maybe being in the middle is just as well as hating the guy. Who wants to be in the middle when it comes to love? But what is the force making me hang on, just to see? just in case.

Moving on to other things. I had some strange dreams last night.. I don't really feel like trying to recount... It would be very hard to describe. Aaron was in it though, he was home for a couple days. And there was a very strange part with two different old flames.. They kept sort of switching places.. thats all that is really translatable (is that a word?)

I finished a painting yesterday.. wanna see? Ok, here it is-



It's charcoal and acrylic.. from an old photograph of my grandmother.

Over share of the day: So, fiber is good for you right? digestive system.. all that good stuff. Well, let me tell you, I don't usually drink coffee- I normally go for tea. Some days, however, like today, just require it. I take 2 sips though and I'm in the bathroom. I mean, if you wanna talk about digestive health? Coffee really does the job, when it comes to cleaning me out. haha. ok, I'm done.

You know one song that DOES NOT get old to me? Imogen Heap, Hide and Seek. I know its on every indie soundtrack ever and I've heard it millions of times (it was one of those that i played on repeat for probly a week straight)- but I still absolutely love it. I am listening to a mix I made probly a year ago. A mix for when I wanted to mope about lost love. I'm not moping about lost love today I just really like a lot of the songs on it. It has Hide And Seek as well as some other gems such as You Are Mine by MuteMath, The Special Two by.. (oh what's her name.. can't think of it), I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon.. something (damnit, i'm not doing very well on this..) Anyway.. oh yeah- Heath! Brandon Heath. good song. Oh and The Astronaut Suit, 40 days, check it out.

I feel especially suppressed today. I generally feel that way, just kinda as a rule. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I'll try and explain. I feel like a caged animal. haha, no really! There is this crazy aimless-earth-roaming hippie inside of me that is so squelched its almost painful sometimes.. I don't really know what to do about it. I am trying to make things happen in my life, but in order to do that I can't appease my whims to just get up and go. I am working, to pay off debt, and try to save money, and pursue things that I think will eventually appease my appetite- in the proper way. The proper way being something like getting my shit together and taking my music on the road, or getting a song cut so that I am financially free to do some of the things that I want. You know, just generally making a living doing something that I actually care about and something that is actually lasting. (re-reading to make sure any of this makes any sense at all.... ok, let me try again-)
Examples of what I want to do: 1. Get in my car and drive to Louisiana and to meet up with Aaron and then go with him to NY- just for the hell of it. 2. Take all my money and buy a ticket to Ireland and go hang out with Kacie. 3. Drive to Texas. 4. Sell my shit and start wandering around.
What I need to be doing/what I will do instead: 1. Continue sitting here, racking up the $12/hour. 2. Go home and write songs, practice and work. 3. Stay home and save my money.
Someday it will pay off. I will be financially free to do what I want and I can roam the earth without being a homeless person. Maybe I can do some good while I'm at it (have you noticed how much fun I am having with the italics today?)

Ok, you see why this post is entitled 'Blah Blah Blah'? Cause I am definitely blah blah blah-ing today. But its actually really making me feel a lot better. Very therapeutic- this whole writing my thoughts and feelings thing. Thank you for listening, Blogspot.

You don't know what you've got til its gone...

9:45am
Sitting at my desk. Listening to Adele. "I need to get away to feel again." Popping Ricolas like candy.

9:48am
This day is made up of minutes. 3 just passed. Now if that can only happen 408 more times...

9:49am
Slowly but surely, huh?

Ok, I promise I won't count down the minutes of the day via blogging. That would surely be an all-time low.

(9:50am)

(sorry...)

"There aint no room in my bed as far as I'm concerned"

The things that are on my mind right now are:

1. Aaron- he left last weekend for Texas. Plan is to interview with a guy there to go on the road with him around the world filming- i forget for what exactly.. If that doesn't work out, he's going to Louisiana to work with his Grandpa (again, i forget doing what exactly..) and then to NYC to work with the National Arts Movement (i think thats what its called) people.. So basically, it wasn't quite true when he said he'd only be gone for a month. I'm very happy for him though, he really needed to go. I am truly excited to see what happens. He's an amazing person. I definitely miss him though. And I know that I will continue to miss him. I actually hope he is in Texas for a while though cause I am going there this summer and we could hang out!

10:38am

I was on the phone with my sister for a while which passed a nice chunk of time beautifully. Random note, my boss told me yesterday that if our business doesn't do better within the next year that they may start laying people off. I'd be first. I thought to myself, if I'm still working here in a year it wouldn't matter cause I'd probly kill myself.

Ok, #2 of what's on my mind:
Trudy Chase- Trudy Chase is a lifestyle that will be on sale soon. This comes from Aaron wisdom. He says merch is the best way for us to make the money to keep it going with Trudy. Our artwork, our clothes, our music (of course- but even before we have an actual record, we'll make an ep with the couple songs we have recorded plus some live recordings), our style and our lifestyle.

#3- I'm thinking about going somewhere this weekend. Anywhere. Just driving somewhere.. Not sure where though. Plus, I do this every friday pretty much. And I never go anywhere. I'm too broke. I just got paid though.. hm.. Where should i go? Kentucky? I wish I knew someone in Louisville.. it's a cool place. Memphis? nope. scary.. plus i don't know anyone there either.. Maybe I'll just spend the weekend in Franklin with the fellas.. If it was nice outside I would go camping. But its very cold. I wonder if Jonathan is still in Indiana, or wherever he was.. maybe i could go there for the weekend.. In all likelyhood, my weekend will go like this- go home after work.. call a couple people, wait and see if Jason will call, probly get some dinner with him, go out, wake up late tomorrow, clean, find something to do, go out, wake up late Sunday, maybe make it to church, come home, clean, bum around, go out, sleep, work monday morning. thrilling. haha, actually its not bad at all, i always have fun with my friends but I'm just a restless soul and I always want to go somewhere.. different. i get bored easily. I need change all the time. Maybe I'll just go home and rearrange my furniture.

"I need to get away to feel again."

How Sweet

I am exceptionally bored today. I'll pretend for the sake of this post that I don't know why. Must be something to do with Friday the 13th... Maybe I should watch a scary movie at my desk today! I tried to read. I can't focus on my book. I started reading this book months ago and it just couldn't hold my attention so I abandoned it for a while. I hate not finishing books though; i feel like they hang in the back of my mind. So I picked it up again a couple days ago and I still cannot seem to keep it going. I wouldn't say its boring... exactly.. but, um, maybe a little. yeah it's kinda boring. I have to finish it though. Today is not the day, however. I feel like a 6 year old with ADD. Normally writing is the one thing that I can get lost in and reach that happy "where did the time go" place. So here's hoping. (so far it's been.. 3 minutes. hmm.)

My friend, Lauren, who lives down the street from my old residence, called yesterday and said that she saw a cat that looked like Sylvia. Remember Sylvie? I haven't talked about her in a while but I still really miss her. I lost her shortly after moving to my new place. As I was going through the process of trying to find her, I heard all the pet-loss success and failure stories. "My cat came home after 6 months!" "Mine was stuck under the house for a week!" I heard that sometimes cats get lost in new surroundings and actually find their way back to the old house! So, I posted the signs, went to the shelters, searched the streets: no Sylvie. There was only so much that could be done. I do miss her. I promise I'm not like Angela on the office, but I really liked her. She was my little grey buddy! Anyway, Lauren said she saw a cat that looked like her but couldn't catch her. Now I've got it in my head that she found her way all the way back to East Nashville and right to my old street. I wonder though, if she was that close, why wouldn't she show up at the old house? My friends still live there and would recognize her. Hmm... up til now I had assumed that she was taken in by someone because she has no collar and is so sweet and friendly. I'd just be elated if I were to find her. Here's hoping.

I'm very happy right now. It actually makes me nervous how well things are going. First of all, Trudy Chase is moving along. We are practicing with both pianos now and can see the road very clearly. It's just a matter of taking the steps one by one, but we know we'll get there. It's very exciting to me. Musically, its exactly what I want to be doing and what I've wanted to be doing for a long time. I've finally put my finger on it. Also, in spite of myself I must mention, there's a man that has just come into my life that seems too good to be real. I like my job, for what it is. I am pleased with my daily life- happy to actually have time. Of course, I don't have any money but I don't care. I am more excited to be available to help my friends and family, to create art regularly, to participate in people's lives. It's satisfying me immensely in this time of my life. (And as a little side-note/update, my car is officially paid off TODAY!) I am happy. It makes me nervous. I am fighting with the fear (and the lie) that God will take things from me in order for me to "grow", or because it's not fair for so many people to be suffering and for me to be happy, or because that's just the way this roller coaster of a life goes.

The perception of God- that he wants to 'teach me a lesson'- is one of many I have that am reviewing and reforming. I've grown up being taught many things about the Creator. Many ideas have been ingrained in me so deeply that they would be the lines in a fingerprint of my soul. But now, at 23, I want to open myself up, untangle some of the webbings of who I am, sand away some of the callous and nourish my childishness. Who is God? Who do I believe him to be now, as an adult? One of the major issues that I am addressing is free will vs. free choice. In my opinion, this has a lot to do with who He is in my life.

I was recently presented with some information that almost literally shook my spiritual foundation. For a moment I felt like the walls were collapsing. Calling my mom for comfort only supported the likening of God to a baby blanket. I felt like a child- not in a barefoot, mud pie kinda way, but the way that I felt the night I got lost on my bike and it got dark. Terror and confusion. I was able to calm myself with reassuring logic (which is somewhat ironic) and can say that only a few of the shakers persist. There is a heaviness that remains, however, as aftermath, and a tenderness in certain places that I won't ignore. I have a few books in line to follow The Case For Christ, including one that will be quite opposite. But in my quest for truth I think it will be important to challenge myself with opposing views. Or maybe I just learned a lesson from how easily my foundation shook. To be honest, and I hate to conclude this way, but I've lost focus because someone just gave me the hugest cupcake I've ever had and a few finger-fulls of icing has my mind already going numb from the sugar. I'll have to continue on this subject later.

I think I just got a cavity.

At Some Point in my Life...

I'd like to wander aimlessly.

I love the show, Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. Well, I really just love the Travel Channel. Last night he was in Ethiopia. It was a really cool episode with some very bizarre foods indeed (raw camel kidney anyone?). But that wasn't the thing that pushed my Inspiration Button. (You know, when you see/hear something that makes your soul do flips inside of your heart? that's your button.) The thing that hit my button last night was seeing the food preparation be so organic and communal. I realize that this is due to poverty and I don't mean to be so American as to turn it into something posh, but i was just struck by the beautiful and exotic picture of family together all day preparing food with their hands and then presenting their guest with a colorful feast.

The women changed into beautiful, colorful dresses and the walls of the room were covered in ornate plates and tapestries. Everyone sat on the floor around the table and shared in the meal.
He also visited a place where they make coffee from scratch and by hand. It takes 3 hours to complete the process but it's a social event. My mouth was watering for some of that coffee. Hand-hulled beans, then roasted over a flame and manually grinded, mixed with hot water and served when the host deemed it ready. yum. They snacked on popped corn and defferent types of beans and things. I think I would have wanted a pastry :)

Things like this just really lay into my button and wear it out. I have this burning instinctual need to travel to these kinds of places. What is stopping me? i ask myself sometimes.. I'm not sure. I am free. I have no ties. I have no money but I could probably still make it happen.. So, what then? Maybe I feel a rush to make my music career happen. yes, I know I do. But i'm 23. I've been out of high school for 5 years and what have I done? Wow, I need to do something. Something big. There's a new year's resolution for you: Do something big. I want to look back at 2009 and not think, what did I do? not have it run into all the other years with no distinction. Maybe this year will be the year of Trudy Chase. We'll get all the music worked out and then just go on the road. Or maybe we'll get all the music worked up and go overseas. to Europe. I think they would like it.

Anyway, back to my "At Some Point in my Life.."

I want to wander. I want to go places like Ethiopia and just see them. Maybe write about them. Maybe photograph them. I just want to be expanded. I want to be extracted from my bubble. I wonder often if I will ever be the people that are inside of me. If they will get their turn. Here's a visual tour of my multiple personalities:
First of all, you know I got this in me:

But maybe i'll travel around doing this

and this

and exploring places like this

maybe I'll even satisfy the long enduring desire to be a part of things like this

Or maybe someday hell will freeze over and this will happen

I have to be honest though, I picture it a little more like this (I'm really not sure why..)

and then, heaven forbid, what if i get one of these!


Artist, singer, lover, mother, daughter, friend, fashionista, nester, explorer, drinker, thinker, adventurer, entertainer, loner, partier, painter, writer, classy, lazy, fun, careful, reckless, spiritual, needy, fulfilled, searching, finding, working, wanting, loving, helping.

and more.

A couple things

First of all, my stitches come out this afternoon and I'm a little nervous for several reasons. 1) It doesn't seem like they're ready to come out. It looks the same and it still hurts and is very sensitive. 2) I'm afraid they will somehow be able to tell that I didn't follow the rules.. "what in the world have you been doing?? this looks horrible! You didn't do any physical activity did you?!?" 3) I can't see completely cause it's on my back, but it almost looks like skin has grown over one of the stitches. That's gross and seems like it could be a problem in getting them out.. Yikes! In general, I'm just worried cause I don't know what it's supposed to look like, feel like, etc. so for all i know it could be healing terribly! I'm sure it's fine though.. I think.. anyway, I guess we'll find out at 2:40 today.


So, that last post was just a silly little "poem" that I wrote just now cause i was thinking about that phrase "get your hopes up" and how descriptive it is. How it feels like you're holding a big helium balloon and if you let it go, its all over, there's no bringing it back down. You know the feeling. Maybe there's a possibility of a promotion and you find yourself picturing it and then you tell yourself to stop cause you'll get too excited and possibly dissappointed. OR, and this is what actually spurred the thought for me, maybe there's a guy... :) (or girl) And maybe they said something that made your mind want to race down the path of what-ifs and picture things you shouldn't picture and imagine things you shouldn't imagine.. But you're holding that balloon tight, checking thoughts that start to head in that direction. You're doing so well, you're so even, level, in control and then- something happens- a word, a touch, a thought- that tips the scale and trips your feet and find yourself lying on the ground, empty handed, watching those hopes float up and up and up and out of sight and you know that there is no recovering from this now. You're in. You see it. You want it. You can taste it. But you don't have it. Yet. You just really HOPE it happens.


The last thing that I wanted to write about today is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm not even sure what to say about it. I've written bits about it before. It's one of those situations that you ask advice on but no one can advise you. There is no correct answer or formula to follow for the best possible results. If any answer exists it is within you and no one else can find it. Some of my cousil though has led me to a point where i think i want to write a letter. I've heard its good to write a letter without the intent to send it, just to get it out. I wrote another post before called "Two Letters" where I tried to do that. But now i feel like i need to revise it. (The first letter of that post, by the way, i sent. no reply. i think that is a good enough response.)
SO, let's brainstorm, what do i want to say to him...

I think about you all the time. I have still not met anyone like you. I want to know that you are happy and that you don't think about me. If that's true, then i'll let this go.

That's simple, but i really think thats it. i need closure. I don't want to say i need closure though, cause i don't want it to be closed, sometimes i just want it to be reopened..

I'm sorry this isn't making a lot of sense probably. this is a therapeutic post. i'm trying to just splatter feelings and thoughts across the page just to get them out. see what they look like. They look like splatter.

Get Angry

I was watching Fight Club the other day and thinking man, that would be nice sometime. To just let it out like that.

Simultaneously I've been observing my brother's bible study that he has with some guys and thinking how nice it would be to have a group of girls that got real with eachother but, honestly, i don't like bible studies that much.

Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with life. The cruelty of it. A friend from home has only a few months to live. Millions of people are ringing in the new year with job-loss. And for the love of all that is good, what's the meaning of all of it?

Enter brilliant plan. Life Club. (like fight club get it?) Whoever wants to, girls only, meets on a certain night of the week. You have your moment, a certain amount of time (10 minutes?) to talk about whatever is on your mind. Be it a frustration with a man, a spiritual doubt, a question about the world, a pleasant feeling, a song, a dream, something that pisses you off, a secret, anything. It's not exclusive to what you believe, who you know, how often you can come- just when you need to get something out into the universe, you will know where to find ears to hear. The rules are- Nothing leaves the room. It is a completely safe place. You come to listen as often as you come to speak. You don't judge. You are real.

This idea was born, honestly, out of frustration. I'm frustrated with our fat, lazy and stupid society. I'm frustrated with the numbness and the dumbing down of human relationships. How are you? fine. good. great. I have a feeling I'm not the only one with things to yell about, but it is entirely possible that I am.

It makes me nervous to think about actually trying to impliment this idea. I don't think people are used to being so raw and bare but at the same time I think we want to be. And what I truly believe is, if you are not apalled, if you are not angry, then you are not paying attention.