Happy Things

My BFFWB and I drove a Uhaul from Louisiana to TN yesterday and it was glorious. Glorious I tell you. Not only am I pretty sure I could scoop poop all day with him and still have the best day of my life but we spent a good 5 hours coming up with and discussing a brilliant plan. I can't say much (actually I could but it feels very important to pretend its some sort of secret- heather, call me) but I will tell you it involves music, a video camera, and Europe.
So, as far as music goes, that is what I am working towards. It doesn't change much of what I was already focusing on with Trudy Chase. We are still working on getting a good set solidified and getting our musicians together, booking some shows and getting merch. Now we just add to that saving for a trip to Europe.

Other happy things from this past week include spending the weekend in New Orleans (hence the driving back from New Orleans) and some delicious developments with the job situation.

First of all- New Orleans was an amazing time.

What a cool city. It certainly has a dark side though. You can feel it. It's like that hot guy with the bad boy image, only he ain't no James Dean, he's the real deal, he's real trouble. That's N'awlins. But hey, one night can't do any harm huh? We went down to Bourbon Street on Saturday night. We had some absolutely sinful Cajun food and daiquiris and sang karaoke.. it was delightful. Then, Sunday, we spent by the pool until it got too hot and we went out for [veggie] burgers and chocolate shakes. When we got back, Aaron and I watched the sun fade, reducing the color palate of our world to blue and gold. Then at the exact right moment, we were showered with one of those perfect southern summer storms. We watched the rain and then went and got some beer. Perfect little mini-vacation.

On the job front, I put together my portfolio and showed my boss and she loved it! LOVED it! So what started as an "internship" and then turned into my training for a position as "art consultant" has now become "Katie, I'm going to try and use your art in every one of my jobs. And if I need something that you don't have, I'll just have you paint it. Let's see, this one we'll price at $600.. this one $800.. this one, hm, about $1200.." HA! yessssss!!!! So, now it's time to paint paint paint paint paint cause I gots some money to make!

I can't remember what all I've put up here but here's one I've recently finished:

That is one of the ones for sale (anyone?? ha) It's actually a pretty difficult thing to start selling these peices.. I love them all! I decided to keep one though. I'm keeping my favorite one. But it will still be hard to see the ones of my sister and my grandma go.. I really honestly can't think about it too much. In fact I'm going to stop talking about it right now.


So, in conclusion, happy freakin times up in here.







Oh and one last thing...



:)

Emotional Allergies

"It's almost like you're hiding something in plain sight... you're putting your feelings out there, but people are really only picking up on their own."

-My bff-eva, Heather Smith, hitting the nail on the head in describing the intimacy of songwriting in her first ever interview! (thanks for putting that into words! you are so right!) Read more charm, brilliance and wit here. (this is actually quite funny to me because i'm pretty sure she's the only one that reads this.)


So good mornian everyone. That's how Jay Z says good morning to Beyonce. I'm pretty sure. Well, I have some news to report. Last night, Ol' Boy and I broke up on disappointingly mutual terms. Apparently he didn't realize that you're not supposed to give up something like this so easily [points up and down at self]. But I've always known he has a lot to learn. I just hope it doesn't hit him to hard when he realizes what he's done. For me though, it's definitely a good thing. Truth is, I really don't date very much, therefore, I don't break up very much and you know what? It kinda sucks. It's like someone took all my least favorite emotions and made prison mush out of them and then made me eat it. And then I choked on it. Ok maybe not the choking.. i mean lets be honest i'm not that upset. You know when something happens that you expect to be upset about and so you kinda brace yourself for the emotions? you let it settle for a moment and you think "am i gonna cry about this?"... and waiting... welp, guess not. too bad.. that coulda been a good cry. oh well.. oh yay there's a top model marathon on! yeah you know that whole deal. But even though I couldn't care enough to cry, there was still this annoying pressure- like emotional allergies. I'm functional but annoyed.
I also have this little problem called being extremely competitive. This is a strange and interesting factor when it comes to relationships because it gives a feeling of failure in a situation like this. And when i feel like I've failed I have to try again. I have to fix it and I have to win. That was a strange sensation while trying to wallow in break up self pity- feeling like going out, getting another one, and trying again. I'm a weird one. That desire is mostly gone today, thank God. I am feeling relieved of that stressful and confusing relationship and delighted to be back on the field where I belong. Should be a good week.

blah blah blah (The 'Monday's on a Wednesday)

First of all, I'd like to say that I don't get Twitter. Someone please enlighten me. I just don't know what it is or does. thanks.

Next, I'd really like to be in my bed right now. Oh how I would like to be sleeping instead of sitting at this desk. The damn phone is ringing off the hook. Someone just kill me now. It's gonna be one of those days. For sure.

Well, I guess I should take advantage of this mood and the rain and go for a little rant. does that sound like fun? It does to me. Ok, what shall we rant about today? Oh I know. Ok. This boy. I suppose we are dating, or something. He confuses and frustrates me. I like him, but I'm still waiting for something. Some romance. Something to make me feel giddy. I guess I should just let it go shouldn't I? I mean, 2 months and I'm still trying to coax some sparks out of wet matches. Still, its teetering on the edge and I can't make myself just give up on it just yet, even though it's clearly lacking. It's like searching for a word thats on the tip of your tongue. Yes, it's just like that, and just as frustrating. But it's just right there and you know you're about to think of it! You see, I enjoy hanging out with him, I like things about him, and who [I think] he is, but it doesn't feel like how I think it should, or how it has felt in the past. I suppose someone reading this would be like, um, obviously it's not working and you need to move on, but you don't understand... it's really on the tip of my tongue! That's the best description I can think of. It's so close and I'm not ready to give up on it. (I just re-read this and I would like to go back and touch on the "something to make me feel giddy" part.) You see, I felt that in the beginning. I was super excited when I met him and I was all about it. I was ready to dive in- I wanted to find out who he was and where he came from and share things with him and just, well, you know, fall.. That's how I am- I'm an artist, I am passionate, I am obsessive. If I hear a song I like, I will listen to it on repeat literally for days. One song. Over and over. When I see something I like- I- I love it! I mean I go crazy for it! (The Notebook, anyone?) Anyways, that's how I am but he's obviously not that way. When the initially appealing formality of the first date continued through the next couple weeks, my passion began to feel incredibly suppressed by what was turning into cordial monotony. He's.. not as alive as I would like. Maybe I can wake him up. Even as I write this I am torn directly down the middle. directly. I keep expecting one side to take over but I am rewarded no clarity. none. Something will have to give eventually right? Maybe being in the middle is just as well as hating the guy. Who wants to be in the middle when it comes to love? But what is the force making me hang on, just to see? just in case.

Moving on to other things. I had some strange dreams last night.. I don't really feel like trying to recount... It would be very hard to describe. Aaron was in it though, he was home for a couple days. And there was a very strange part with two different old flames.. They kept sort of switching places.. thats all that is really translatable (is that a word?)

I finished a painting yesterday.. wanna see? Ok, here it is-



It's charcoal and acrylic.. from an old photograph of my grandmother.

Over share of the day: So, fiber is good for you right? digestive system.. all that good stuff. Well, let me tell you, I don't usually drink coffee- I normally go for tea. Some days, however, like today, just require it. I take 2 sips though and I'm in the bathroom. I mean, if you wanna talk about digestive health? Coffee really does the job, when it comes to cleaning me out. haha. ok, I'm done.

You know one song that DOES NOT get old to me? Imogen Heap, Hide and Seek. I know its on every indie soundtrack ever and I've heard it millions of times (it was one of those that i played on repeat for probly a week straight)- but I still absolutely love it. I am listening to a mix I made probly a year ago. A mix for when I wanted to mope about lost love. I'm not moping about lost love today I just really like a lot of the songs on it. It has Hide And Seek as well as some other gems such as You Are Mine by MuteMath, The Special Two by.. (oh what's her name.. can't think of it), I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon.. something (damnit, i'm not doing very well on this..) Anyway.. oh yeah- Heath! Brandon Heath. good song. Oh and The Astronaut Suit, 40 days, check it out.

I feel especially suppressed today. I generally feel that way, just kinda as a rule. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I'll try and explain. I feel like a caged animal. haha, no really! There is this crazy aimless-earth-roaming hippie inside of me that is so squelched its almost painful sometimes.. I don't really know what to do about it. I am trying to make things happen in my life, but in order to do that I can't appease my whims to just get up and go. I am working, to pay off debt, and try to save money, and pursue things that I think will eventually appease my appetite- in the proper way. The proper way being something like getting my shit together and taking my music on the road, or getting a song cut so that I am financially free to do some of the things that I want. You know, just generally making a living doing something that I actually care about and something that is actually lasting. (re-reading to make sure any of this makes any sense at all.... ok, let me try again-)
Examples of what I want to do: 1. Get in my car and drive to Louisiana and to meet up with Aaron and then go with him to NY- just for the hell of it. 2. Take all my money and buy a ticket to Ireland and go hang out with Kacie. 3. Drive to Texas. 4. Sell my shit and start wandering around.
What I need to be doing/what I will do instead: 1. Continue sitting here, racking up the $12/hour. 2. Go home and write songs, practice and work. 3. Stay home and save my money.
Someday it will pay off. I will be financially free to do what I want and I can roam the earth without being a homeless person. Maybe I can do some good while I'm at it (have you noticed how much fun I am having with the italics today?)

Ok, you see why this post is entitled 'Blah Blah Blah'? Cause I am definitely blah blah blah-ing today. But its actually really making me feel a lot better. Very therapeutic- this whole writing my thoughts and feelings thing. Thank you for listening, Blogspot.

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

I had another dream about him. This one was especially cruel. I don't remember it all exactly but we were in love again. He had some new hippie friends and we all climbed up on this giant loft bed and hung out. Then he and I were laying around smoking cigarettes, which is funny cause neither of us smoke. That was the part right before I woke up so I remember that best but I know that there was a lot more. It was just nice. To be in love with him again. We were giddy. We didn't talk much, just smiled at each other.

damn it all.

Speaking of love, my friends got engaged yesterday. I think I'm happy for them.. ? It makes me wonder- I know I've always had a bad attitude towards marriage. My parents were married young and got divorced and did an excellent job of instilling in me a fear of all things love and commitment. My first reaction to this kind of news is generally a sigh and head shake. Why though?? Is it because we are young? Is it because I'm 23 and I've already seen engagement break-ups, infidelity and divorce among my peers?? Or in this case specifically is it a reaction to the weird feeling in my stomach that tells me this is not right for these two. I really don't know. But I do feel strange about this one. I'm not sure I'm buyin. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself last night that he was happy about it. But what do I know?

Let's go back to me for a second, since it is my blog. Let's look at 3 men on my mind these days: Should be, Would be, and Could be (also called the ghosts of relationships past, present and future).
Should be, well, we should've been. I should've realized what I had. If the universe is ever to fall back into place, then he and I should be. It's simple. Like puzzle peices. It just should be.
Would be- he would be good. He would be fun, he would be nice, he would be good. But he would be settling. He would be 85%. And that's not enough.
Could be- He makes me wonder; he makes me excited. What could be makes me think someday I could get over what should be. But we'll have to wait and see. It could be wishful thinking. But it could be.

And there you have it.

I'm sick off candy corn.

I thought it would be fun to put candy corn out in a bowl on my desk for everybody but i'm pretty sure i've been the only one eating it.. and i think i'm getting a cavaty.

So, yay halloween.

I've always been a believer in making your own costume; growing up that's just what we did. That could be why i've had some pretty lame- i mean awesome costumes.. I was once a "Silver Girl". What is a silver girl? um, i have no idea. A girl.. that.. is silver? what a weird kid... and that year i definitely completely ate it while running from one door to the next in an intense effort to fill my sack with sugary treats. what a weird (fat) kid.

This year posed a few dilemmas (blogspot should have spellcheck* cause i can't decide in which order to put the e and the i in that word).. I am working the evening of actual halloween so i'll be getting off pretty late and won't know exactly when.. I'll still want to go to this party, though, that is happening at my old residence. But that meant that if i was going to dress up (and that's not really an "if") it'd have to be cheap enough that i wouldn't feel bad to only spend a little time in it and easy enough that i could get off, change and be at the party asap. So, i thought of what i had and decided to be a pin-up cause i had all i needed. although i did go to the store and buy stocking and eyelashes.. (ps, don't think this story is going to get anymore interesting cause it's not, my head is clouded by lack of sleep and too much candy) I had last night off and i thought i'd do a little pre-halloweening so i began to don my riske disquise and well, i was not feelin it. nope, it wasn't working. I felt fat and slutty- not what i was going for. So i employed one of the other ideas i had come up with and as i began to build the ensemble... magic. Here's the snapshot: hair in a messy top-of-the-head bun thing framed by big white shades, hoop earrings, green stiped tank top exposing a hot pink polka-dot bra, a 6 months pregnant (is not too far along to show off my tramp stamp) belly, cut off short shorts, and just before you get to the 1995 platforms- an ankle monitor. Now, if you think that sounds like a picture you recently saw of Britney Spears, you'd be correct, but the actual identity of the person i was impersonating was revealed on my mug shot sign: LAPD P55472 CYRUS. That's right, it was a costume/future prediction- "Miley Cyrus in 10 years". If nothing else, I thought it was funny.

Now let's move on to discuss some of the goings-on of last night's social scene. Or rather events that have been culminating and came to a bit of a head last night. Ok, here's an interesting scenario that i really shouldn't talk about but since no one reads this thing.. except maybe heather.. maybe.. (Hey Heath!) Here are the characters- Sally, Annie, Billy and Tommy, oh and Buddy. Billy and Tommy are besties. Sally and Annie are besties. Buddy is um, just a wrench. Annie and Billy are very close friends. Tommy really likes Sally and Sally accepts his liking and returns it most of the time. Mostly its a big happy circle of love. Then Sally begins to feel a pull towards Billy but banishes the thought (well, mostly) because she is not one to jump from one bestie to the other. She believes that when it comes to dating within a man-circle, listen to Eminem- "you only get one shot...". She doesn't realize that as she resists thoughts of Billy, Annie stirs the pot of her brewing passion for him and when she can't take it anymore, pours it out in a profession her undying love. Unable to deny their connection but torn by his desire for things to stay as they are, Billy confuses Annie with the juxtaposition of his words and actions. Then Buddy kisses Sally just to add last minute touches to the mess. In the end, the phrase "just friends" echos in all ears as Sally and Tommy finally end the in-between game and Annie lays down the law with Billy, demanding that he make a choice and let his actions reflect it. Sally turns her cheek to Buddy as he leans in, bravely, a second time. And they all live miserably after all.

*I discovered spellcheck later